Thanksgiving

Dear Leigh,

A 3.9! That's great! I'm so excited for you to graduate. What an accomplishment.

I can't believe that they would pay you so little, with your experience, especially after you've earned your Master's. I'm sure the DC area can offer you more, even with the cost of living what it is. I'll admit that the growth in that area is a little appalling, but you know that growth means jobs, and there are jobs a-plenty there. It's also a convenient three and a half hour drive from Morgantown...

I hope you had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.  We just spent several days at my sister in-law's house. My mother- and father-in-law and their respective spouses live in the same town, so we were able to see everyone on that side of the family. I was proud of Jeremiah--he has very different ideas about food than his sister (he prefers less white flour, butter, and sugar, and more fresh vegetables), but this visit did a good job of thanking her for hosting and complimenting the food.  All-in-all, it was a pleasant time, with only one negative remark about my FIL from my MIL, and one negative remark about NPR from my FIL, and maybe two small disagreements between Jeremiah and my MIL and SIL, both regarding his granddad, who is, unfortunately, not doing all that well.  Compared to the previous two visits, it was very relaxing, indeed.  I was even able to eat, which I was worried about, since I'd been feeling so sick for a month prior. Still, I'm looking forward to being with my parents for an extended period of time around Christmas, when I think I'll be able to truly relax. I'm also planning to get together with my old friend from high school, whom I haven't seen in close to three years. She's going to be just two hours away from my parents' house, and since she's usually ten hours away, in St. Louis, I figure I should take advantage of our proximity.

I also heard over Thanksgiving that my brother has a couple job interviews. I wasn't sure companies would be hiring this time of year, but I am, again, feeling hopeful.  I am imagining my family together at Christmas, me and baby healthy, my brother employed, and everyone at peace.

I'll be thinking of you on the first, eighth, and fifteenth of December!  I know you'll do well.

Love,
Kate

P.S. I have the all-important (at least in my mind) 10 week midwife appointment on Tuesday.  I have been clenching my jaw as I sleep, I've made myself so anxious about it (it was the 10 week appointment when I learned I was going to miscarry, last time). It's becoming difficult to eat, my jaw is so sore... But hopefully that'll clear up Tuesday night. I'll let you know how the appointment goes.

Glee

Hey Kate!!

Not to mistake the title for the silly tv show, but oh my gosh!!  What news!  I'm so excited for you, and very hopeful as well...  My best wishes for this little bundle.  I have a good feeling for this little one, and send all my prayers his or her way for a successful and healthy delivery.  I confess, I did tell Molly, but I promise she can keep a secret.  I tell her everything.  As for Derek, I did tell him about Mike and Kate before my mom made the announcement, and I'm pleased to say he was able to keep the secret.  But I will NOT tell him about you, my word is my bond.  YAY....I'm so excited for you and your little "flutter."  :-)

Also, thank you for your encouraging beginning: I really hope to be moving north too... very much so.  I've been looking at the DC area.  Daniel has scoped the area too, and I'm secretly hoping he finds a job there too.  A familiar and friendly face would be much appreciated.  Plus we could room for the first year or so until we both become acclimated to the city.  Perhaps a bit of selfish reasons behind that, but more so excitement to be up around the family.

As for school and work down here...School first.  I'm in the throws of my capstone project.  It's due December 1st, then I present on the 8th, then graduation on the 15th.  I've decided not to walk, but I'm still planning on going.  One of my classmates got the same treatment as your brother, in that he was "screwed over" by the university.   I'm not happy about that, but I know he's planning on going to view the graduation, so I think I will sit with him.  Besides, it's just my mom coming down, and I'd like to sit with her rather than make her sit alone.  I am graduating with honors, so to speak, for a masters degree. If you'll excuse my little brag, but I'm graduating with a 3.9, so I'm proud that I can graduate as part of the honors society.  Just a little other tid bit to put on my resume.  

And work.  My best friend's wife and I got into an intense conversation about salaries.  She's got her bachelors in Social Work, and literally makes twice my salary, someone with a soon to be masters in the same field.  Anyhow, when I went to work that next Monday, I did do some soul searching and pay-stub review and depressingly saw just how little I earned.  I talked to my boss about it, and confided in her about the possibility of the pay raise promised with my degree.  She said I'd expect to get about $3,000 raise...which is pennies.  $250 a month, and still resulting in me being under $30,000 a year in take home.  Granted, I do get medical and dentist, but that doesn't really help me pay my rent and bills.  It's disgusting really.  

So...in transition, it's my motivation for leaving.  I do like my work, but it's sadly not worth the pay.  My ultimate plans are to resign Memorial Day weekend, so I can get to beach week, then have the month of June to move.  I've re-signed my lease for another 7 months, which is perfect in it's timing (lease ending the end of June) for my making my New Year's resolution to spruce up my resume, get my licensure process going for Virginia, and find a job.

Only bad part, my mom is still secretly hoping I move further south to Tampa or Daytona.  But my relationship with my brother is so strained at times, and the pay in Florida is so sad for Social Workers...  She'll come around.  

Well, I've babbled enough...reserving only a few lines for excitement for you.  But I'll end as I started, with Glee and joy and everything else for you.  I am so elated!  Congratulations!!

Much love, cuz!!

Leigh

My Goodness, Things Happen!

Dear Leigh,

When you wrote to me, you were planning a move to Virginia. Are you still? I hope so.

It's astonishing how things change in a few short weeks.  My brother was planning to relocate; now he's unemployed (his previous employer--how shall I put this delicately?--screwed him over). He's considering a return to school to study accounting.  My parents and I have been trying to help him with his job search, but unfortunately it's a very bad time of year to be looking for work. Companies accomplish almost nothing of note between November 15th and the new year.  I'm astonished that Congress has left its most important work until this point, for that very reason. Most of the FBI is out hunting this week, for instance.  I'm heading home early, because I can (and I'm so, so exhausted).

In addition, I studied for and passed the CAPM exam (Certified Associate in Project Management), which proves that I know the generally accepted project management processes and have some project management experience, to boot.  Unfortunately, they don't seem to be about to hand me the raise or promotion I had hoped for.  But then, it has only been a week.

Then, last night, my mom told me that Mike's Kate is pregnant, and due in June! And still planning on coming to beach week?? It kind of floored me, because--and you are to tell nobody, not even Mike or Derek or your animals --I'm also pregnant (again), and due in June.  June 23rd.  Not sure about beach week (will depend on the advice of my midwife). We have told basically nobody, this time, for obvious reasons. My parents don't even know. My mom was just so sad, last time, when we lost it... Including you, 4 people know, all of whom are my close friends and who guessed, anyway.  Otherwise, I was trying to keep it a secret until at least week 12 (this is week 9 and 2 days, and it's getting difficult to hold it in, as you see).

This, naturally, changes our plans regarding the Master's in Library and Information Science.  We'll probably hang out here for another year, since I'm doing well professionally.  It's funny... we tried for months and months last time, with disastrous results.  This time, we tried once or twice, then precisely when I changed my mind and decided I should really go back to school, I learned I was pregnant. So, because of that, and the miscarriage over the summer, it's been hard to feel at all excited.  I also feel crappy all the time, which has a way of muting my excitement.  Last night, however, I felt this little buzz, or flutter, or something down in my abdomen, and had a surge of hope for the future. So, if all goes well, you'll be an Aunt x 2 in June.  If not, c'est la vie, and we'll become cat hoarders.

But back to you.  When is your big graduation day, and what kinds of opportunities will be available to you with your new degree?

Write soon.

Love,
Kate

P.S. - Again, tell no one! We'll probably share with the wider world somewhere around week 14.

Timely Transitions

Hey Kate,            

At times when I stop for a moment and reflect on the actual date and time of my present life, I am never ceased by amazement at how time has flown in my life.  Short term and long term:  I find it hard to believe it is already October - It feels like only yesterday I was flying from a New Year's party in Destin with my brother, his wife (they've actually been MARRIED for two years now...), my mom, and my neighbor to Pensacola (dropping the crew off in Navarre- mid way point) in order to pick up one of my teen clients from the bus station.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, having this teen's bus departure and pick up in Pensacola, as I was still frequently in the Pensacola area.  But, the darling child thought to come home early from his trip, thus requiring me to amend my New Year's festivities.  Needless to say, I was grumpy.  I was actually pushing for our little party to celebrate in Pensacola - the city having a street festival, complete with live music, fireworks, and a "Pelican Drop," (think NYC-esque). BUT my brother thought it would be a better idea to be on the "guest list" for his friends band at a club, two hours away from Pensacola...it wasn't.  It was a very dead show since everyone in their right mind was out looking for New Year's fireworks...

Further back, I remember my last visit with you in West Virginia and cannot believe it was during a time when dad was still alive.  I am still thunder struck that it will have been two years this December.  I remember my first semester in college -If I remember correctly, it concluded that same year as dad passed.  The summer before the said semester was the summer I came to visit ya'll.  And in those two and a half years:  Losing a job, starting a new career, losing my house, gaining a pretty cool apartment (location, not layout), friends coming and going.  It's been an interesting transition. 

I sometimes feel we are all in some form of transition.  The future is not so far off, but it is not here yet... 

I hope I can explain that -

Derek is finishing up his school and training.  John is looking at a possible relocation.  You and Jeremiah are contemplating where to move once he is finished with school (when is that by the way?).  And Daniel is in your same boat - looking to go towards work following his graduation.  I've plotted with Daniel, and we are toying with the idea of going to DC together.  Derek, too, has been hospitable in offering me a space to stay if I find something in that neck of the woods.  I've also threatened John with raining on his parade if something pops up in Richmond.  But for specifics, I do plan to make a move to Virginia come June.  I've just extended my lease 7 months an aim to quit my job by the end of May - leaving me time to hit Beach Week and then pack up my belongings and go.  Mom is supportive of the idea, as she is actually contemplating Tennessee, where her sister has recently moved

.

I agree with you - the idea of being within a short afternoon's drive from those with whom I love to visit - having an afternoon lunch - a weekend hang about - Plus, I love Virginia.  I look forward to the idea of simply exploring the state and all she has to offer...from mountains to beaches, history to current events...

All plans still quite a ways away, but here before I'll know it.

I am never ceased amazement at how fast time seems to fly.

Love,

Leigh

PS... You may have to explain to me what CAPM and MLIS duties entail.... and I'll next time explain LCSW and why I need to wait until I've moved before I can even begin to do my tests and supervisions....

Winter is coming, isn't it?

Dear Leigh,

Thanks for writing back. I'm doing much, much better now--it took me about a month, I'd say, to feel like my old self again. I talked to a counselor, in the end, and that was actually the point at which I felt better. It was nice to talk to someone who had absolutely no expectations of me, and whose own emotional state I wasn't worried about. She helped me realize that I was still feeling so low because I felt, sometimes, as though other people had moved on very quickly and could act like it had all never happened, which was certainly not how it was for me. Somehow, pinpointing what was bothering me helped it not bother me anymore. I'm still a little embarrassed, however, about how excited we were when we (unbeknownst to us) had nothing to be excited about.

In the wake of all of that, I decided to become a Certified Associate Project Manager (CAPM)--been studying for the exam for a couple months, now, and plan to take it this November, and I'm also going to try to apply to some MLIS programs, though doing that AND the CAPM in the same Fall might be too much for me. We'll see. So, I'm studying, rehearsing with a couple of quartets for a concert in October, and working... It seems that I don't sink into long-term depression too easily, but instead have renewed energy, once I snap out of it.

It does sound as though you could use a change, though a move up here would come with its own difficulties.  Still, there's much to be said for living close to extended family.  We feel rather isolated here in West Virginia, sometimes, and so are looking at moving back to Virginia, as well. I would love to be near my parents, and be able to join them when they meet Aunt Brenda, Uncle Michael, Aunt Mary Ann, Uncle Mike, and Derek for lunch.  My brother, too, might be facing a move to Richmond due to work, so we'd all be clustered within a few hours' drive of each other.

If you can get to Virginia in December, I might (and hope I would) be able to get there, too.  I, like your mother, would worry about you on the WV roads in winter.  The winters here are worse than in VA, and have kept us from traveling many a time. A couple inches of snow can make the highways through the mountains treacherous, regardless of the direction from which you are coming.   Of course, if the weather is clear and you are in the mood for a visit, I'd be excited to see you. We have a guest room, now, with a real guest bed, so you wouldn't be relegated to an air mattress on the floor, and the bakery downstairs has delicious coffee and scones (and pizza, too, and bread, and biscotti... it's amazing we're not fat yet).

I hope you're not too bothered by your mother's teasing.  You're young, active, educated (even more educated, officially, soon), and in the enviable position of not being too tied to one area--you could go pretty much anywhere you want! There's no end of possibilities.

Should get back to work (I'm staying late, so I don't feel too bad about using down time to write to you).

Love,
Kate

It's been too long - forgive me.

Hey Kate.

It's been a while.  I know, I've been a neglectful cousin.   You wrote me in July bearing your soul, and I continued on my daily routine unsure of how or what to respond.  Even when the news was offered, by Derek actually, I vowed to call, to send a card, to plot a visit.  But nothing.  I can't imagine that feeling of hosting life only to lose it.  

I could offer the age old canned sympathies "It'll get better, keep your head up..."  blah, blah, blah

Or the medical frankness: "It's ok, first time pregnancies are often..." blah, blah, blah. 

I may even go the enlightened path: "Well, maybe now is not the right karmic time..."  blah, blah, blah.

After experiencing way too much loss in my life, my best advice:  It sucks, I know - trust me.  Different loss, but loss all the same.  Normalcy?  Ha, what's that?  Whatever it was for me before this devastation will never be the same again.  So now another whole new adjustment.  Transitioning to a new routine, a new sense of normalcy, a new definition of the way life should be. 

And yet the changes never stop coming.

For people of our genes who like a bit of routine in order to have that bit of order, the realities of life seem unfair.  Like a cruel joke at best.  But... I refuse to be laughed at.  I wouldn't be who I am today if I gave in to life's little pranks.  So, here's my real advice:

Donate your cloth diapers.  Keep knitting your blanket...it will be used one day.  Keep your mind open and fresh to those names.  Just because this little heartbeat didn't make it to term will never mean you were not meant to be a mother.  One circumstance does not make a whole.   Whenever the time is right for you and Jeremiah to parent children, in whatever shape, manner or form...it will be right.   The path in that direction may not be easiest - you may suffer another miscarriage - God forbid - but your determination to be a mother will win through.  Just keep your mind WIDE open to the multitude of possibilities, as well as patient for accepting the right time. 

Take it from the 33 year old whose mother recently referred to as her  "spinster daughter."  

I was not amused to her tease.

The future will happen soon enough.  I love you bunches and miss the dickens out of you.  (The dickens, now what the heck does that mean??)   Speaking of future:  In December I'm plotting a venture to Virginia to get the hell out of dodge.  I graduate the 15th, an plan to celebrate with those I hold most dear.  I told mom I wanted to go to West Virginia, but she did not trust my driving capabilities on WV winter roads...  But, none the less, one reason for my venture is to scope the area with the plot to relocate.  I love Florida, but I'm ready to be closer to family...I love my mother and my brother, but it's odd sometimes how I feel more connected to family when around you guys up yonder.  I feel alone down here.  And it has gotten worse over the past year; after I moved out to the island and all my friends are at least 30 minutes away.  I've come to realize it's time for a change.  I want to be near my roots.  I want to have the ability to take a weekend trip to see my cousin to watch "Cloud Atlas" in theaters (I'm re-reading the book in anticipation).  I want to watch football, have a beer, simply spend a weekend with my cousins, my family.  So, now you and Derek are the only two with the know of my evil plots and plans....  :)

Anywho.  I hope this helps some.  I know the feelings of loneliness /  being alone, without being a complete depressive...  perhaps both our futures will hold a more acceptable convenience for visitation and  consolation.  Better, even, than words written on a page.

My love to you cousin,

I hope this finds you in healthier spirits...It better anyway, it's been many a month!!!

Peace and Love,

Leigh

PS...in your honor (sort of...)

My co-worker is from West Virginia.  We watch WVU football almost every weekend it is televised down here.  But I warned her that when V. Tech plays WVU, my loyalties go with the Hokies.  I may need that shirt after all!

Empty Sac

Dear Leigh,

I don't know if my parents have told "the family," as I've asked, but I will tell you now: we lost the baby.  I went in for a routine appointment three weeks ago, and they couldn't find the heartbeat, so they did an ultrasound.  It showed an "empty gestational sac."  The heartbeat and the tiny embryo that had been there a few weeks earlier were gone.  I was devastated then, but felt as though I recovered quickly. Jeremiah, too, had some bad days, and then seemed okay.  But then I actually miscarried, this past Wednesday, which involved much of the same as labor--contractions, dilation, excruciating pain.  Since then, I have felt totally empty, in every way. It's gone... completely gone... confirmed by yet another scan.  Jeremiah, who did not have to go through the physical ordeal (which has left me exhausted and sore all over), is fine, emotionally, and doing a good job of being sympathetic and supportive.  Still, though, I feel quite alone.  I worry that that was our only chance at parenthood--that we'll never again be on the same page, since Jeremiah now wants to "figure out where we're going next" (after Morgantown), and I want to have X amount in the bank (this will be, no doubt, an expensive miscarriage, what with the ER visit and multiple ultrasounds).  I fear we'll find reason after reason not to try again, until it's too late.

It's not a good time to be thinking about it, regardless, but I can't help it.  Every cell of my body wants back what we lost.  Not only were we going to be parents; we were closer, we established a routine that kept the house together and kept us eating healthy, we were in love again like we'd just started dating.  All of that has evaporated, except the love, which has morphed into something deeper, but less joyful.

I don't know what to do with myself now.  I'd been making cloth diapers every weekend, and knitting a blanket, and making lists of names at every opportunity...

Just feeling empty, and a little lost, and a little alone.

Sorry to be such a downer... I hope you're doing well.

Love,
Kate

Ice Cream for Dinner

Dear Leigh,

I kept putting off writing to you until I "have more energy," but I realized that could leave you waiting for quite a while, so I figured I'd write a quick post tonight.

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed in our beach week--not in the company (except for missing Derek), or in the location, but in myself.  It seemed as though I napped my way through, and had little to nothing to say.  Life is very predictable, and I'm enjoying it, but it doesn't leave me with stories.  I guess I did go to England for a week, but somehow it didn't cross my mind to bring that up (til now).

Of course, I'm napping my way through evenings and weekends back in West Virginia, too, and frustrating Jeremiah because I can't bring myself to eat broccoli but I have no problem eating ice cream or baby back ribs. It tears at his health-food-loving soul.  Hopefully broccoli will taste good again in a few weeks.

It's difficult to believe I'm pregnant, after the year I had.  I'm glad I left my old gynecologist, because it seems that everything they told me was wrong.  Of course, we thought they might be right, and thus thought it would take a smidgen longer to get me knocked up... but a few months won't really make a difference.  Jeremiah will have a more interesting final semester than he bargained for--that's all.  And I got my big trip to England with my girlfriends in, before I couldn't justify spending that kind of money on something frivolous.  I do wish they were going to be around for my pregnancy, though.  All of my closest friends live at least 5 hours away, and the one good friend I've made here is freaked out by pregnant people and hates babies, and so refers to this whole thing as the "countdown to the end of our friendship."  She's only 20 percent joking.

Anyway, I did finish that book--"Never Let Me Go."  I had hoped for some sort of change in the circumstances of the main character, but she's awfully complacent about being bred to provide organs for uncloned people.  Apart from her and Tom's attempt to have a few years together because they're in love, that is, but even that smacked of complacency.  A few years?  Why not a lifetime?

I'm about to start reading "Out Stealing Horses."I admit, I chose it because I liked the title.

I hope you're doing well.

Love,
Kate

I think all I can write are doozies....

Dear Kate,

Wow. Here it is, 15 September, and I just went into our blog to discover a letter!! A few late, and I apologize for that. Unlike you, who gets the joy of sitting in front of a computer all day, I tend to shy away from my computer. Lately, it has become a box of homework assignments and emails I do not really like to read. Though it is no excuse for not keeping up, it is mine for now. I have a hard time looking on facebook or my email, even the school website, because I know there is something there needing some attention. I suppose I have to be in a right state of mind to open the computer these days and make it, and the assignments and correspondents the object of my attention.

So, to make brief updates: the fridge did not disappear as I had hoped on that particular day I wrote. Instead, I received a phone call from Washington state of all places, informing me that because of the tropical mess we had passing through, they were unable to pick up the fridge. But a new date was set, and I moved the beast to the living room in wait, and sure enough, the new appointment held fast and the fridge is gone...and I danced a jig to celebrate. In addition, I am still waiting on the approval of my proposal. It ties my stomach in knots not knowing, but a conversation with Diane has lit a bit of hope, so here I sit, still officially unemployed, but still hopeful.

My new semester has started, and it is a bit of a doozy. I met with an old friend the other night who commented that I had a new look upon my face. I claimed that I felt my head was in a cloud. He commented that the new “technology” term for the cloud was knowledge...a cloud of knowledge. I responded in this case, my head was swirling around in a thunder storm. It’s good stuff, but keeps my mind occupied.

I’m planning with all my might to make the beach next summer. Mom and I have talked about it numerous times. We’re thinking of renting a small condo for the two of us, as we are not sure if Mike and his Kate will be joining us. What I can say for this future excitement, is that when I get to be in the company of my “family” again, I will be on the backwards slide towards graduation. These next two semesters will be heavy with information, but by next summer, I will be interning again, and the course load is null and void. Basically seminar classes to discuss our experiences and plans as Social Work Counselors. So it will be a grand time. I sure hope you and J will be there, I look forward daily to that week.

I laughed out loud a few days (weeks?) back when Derek turned 25, and am flabbergasted to think of us all as grown ups now. I am glad to think that though we were not in close physical proximity, I still feel in a way that we have all grown up together. Family has taken on so many new meanings for me lately. With the rise and quick fall of potential relationships (which there have been VERY few), I still and comforted to know that, as Mike and I have always said, Family First. I am grateful for the closeness of our clan. And in saying that, I am confident that- going back to the adoption thought - if any of us ever adopted a child into the family, the Welch clan would accept that child as if he/she were biological. No questions asked. I know on the Ray side we have many children, but I know for me, that prospect is out of the question. So I am confident that, one day, when I am able to afford and be stable enough for a child, that child I open my home to will be as welcome as any other born to this family. I can’t express how awesome that makes me feel, and how proud I am to be a Welch.

As is my habit, I tend to ramble. I re-read my last letter and realized what a bucket load it was. But in my defense, there was much to say to catch up on our words gone astray for over a year! ha I am happy you are rediscovering your love for your music. My instruments are gathering dust these days, so perhaps you inspire me as well to tune that lovely dulcimer. Maybe tomorrow....

Take care cuz. And I’ll do better at checking our Ab Epistulis.

Love,

Roberta

PS....I loved your paragraph about the kid thing...It was a great look into your thoughts, free flowing in the letter. And no matter where the child comes from, it will always be your child. So be Narcissistic...it’s ok once and a while!

Phew!

Dear Roberta,

Goodness! I am surprised you had a moment to write! I'm sorry that your job was "tailored out" (that's what we say at work), but the work you're doing with the organization for women and children is wonderful, and certainly needed. It seems like it will lead right into the kind of work you really would like to do, as well... So, good for humanity, and good for your career.

My parents are away in London right now (they don't like to mention their trips on Facebook, so you might not have heard about it). They're off on a two-week Baltic cruise in a few days, after they hang out in London for a bit. Every time they go on a trip, I worry, and I realize just how much my parents mean to me. They are my best friends and champions, and I feel like it took me far too long to really appreciate them, quirks and all. Losing one or both would leave me mute, somehow, because I tell them pretty much everything. Though I imagine a significant other would have been a great comfort to you this year, I'm glad you and your mom are talking and hanging out so much.

When my health/cat/job issues all coincided, I lost a lot of my optimism (I discovered, after meeting J's mother, that I'm an optimist), but I still felt that all of that stress had to be balanced by something good happening soon. The job security is good, and has brought back a lot of my optimism...

As far as kids go, I'm all mixed up, which I think is how people usually are. I was in a lot of pain, for a while, because of what my doctor has diagnosed as endometriosis, and when I told J that infertility was often a result of it, he said, "Well, then, we'll adopt, and those kids will be our family, and we'll never look back." Not that we were actually thinking of kids now... We agree with you, and intend to have whatever education we want out of the way before we move on to the "family" stage. Yet, when you're 25 (holy crap, when did that happen??? I typed 23 without realizing it was wrong, for a minute), you just assume that, whenever you want one, you can choose to have a baby. So, a doctor and the internet telling me that might not be true was quite a shock... as was my gut reaction, which was "Well, then, I don't want any at all, and I'd better figure out a fantastically successful career." See, I'd always thought that I wouldn't care if I couldn't have a biological kid... I guess I'm more of a narcissist than I thought.

I'm not sure where I was going with that. It's just what's been on my mind.

In the past few months, I have discovered that I truly love violin. I've been playing quite a lot, and teaching J how to play. I like to feel that I'm good at something, and (when nobody is watching), I'm very good at violin. I wish I could give lessons... but I was too much of a coward to study music in undergrad. Music students had to give solo recitals, you see...

Bart is, according to my father-in-law, settling in well to his new home. It's amazing how much you miss animals when they're gone... Every time I go to water my indoor plants, I miss that silly cat, because he always used to come running, hop up on the plant table, and try to drink the water from my pitcher (even though he had a motorized fountain with a filter). Someone offered me ANOTHER cat the other day, and I explained that I felt it would be a betrayal to Bartholomew to get a different cat when we couldn't even keep our first cat with us... They probably would have preferred a simple "No, thanks."

I'll sign off, for now. I have trouble sitting at computer screens for long, anymore, since all I do is stare at a screen all week. You inspire me to try to make my life useful... must start brainstorming this week.

Love,

Kate

Time IS on Our Side

Dear Kate,

Dear Girl! It sounds like you yourself have been through hell and again, though it has been over a year since we have formally written. I know we corresponded since, but planes, trains and funerals I don’t think count. Life is transitional, and we have both transitioned quite a bit it seems since our last letter.

I am currently sitting here at my computer, high on wine and mold fumes from an old fridge that the folks at Gulf Power have agreed to take away tomorrow. In brief, I got a “new” fridge from an old friend here in town, and my old fridge has sat as a looming back drop to my dining room since July. I found out that rather than calling my local garbage disposal company and paying them to take the fridge away, at my own labor of getting the darn thing out to the street, I called the local power company who will come into my house and remove the beast AND pay me $35 so they can recycle the parts. I love friends who suffer the same consequences as myself, and can offer insight of how to best proceed with the removal of the darn thing. So tomorrow, excitement ensues as that fridge will finally be removed from my house with me the better of the deal.

Such is the kindness of well timing and networking through friends.

So Life. I “lost” my job at the church in early August. They, while I was on a trip with the kids, decided they needed a “Full Time” person to work with the youth. And I, stuck in a predicament working in Mobile, AL for an internship, and enrolled in school, was not what they envisioned. I think it dealt more with an undesired environment to work with me. I gave them a good 5 years of my time, and three months of a crazy work schedule was the fuel they needed to be gone with my personal position. Not to mention the days I took to deal with my family and dad’s departure of this world.

A note on that: life has been a whirlwind of depression, grief, and all other fragments in relation to that event. Mike, my brother, had his gal Kate present through all the dealings, and the life following. Me, on the other hand, have grown closer to mom with daily conversations, and a new dealing with progression without my dad physically there telling me of his pride and support of my education. I know I had written before of my frustrations of his enabling Mike in his hopscotch actions, but in his last months, he really was my Dad. And I miss hearing his voice, though through these tough times, I have heard him in my head saying “Just do the best we can,” and I try daily to do just that.

So Life: it’s been tough. But I can say today that things are finally looking up. I don’t have my job to hold me back. I miss it like crazy. But I do have the time now to do what I want to do, in my involvement in Breast Cancer Awareness (I’m knitting a bunch of Pink Scarves to raise money) to my involvement in GSSWO - Graduate Student Social Work Organization - volunteering my time as “secretary” to get the organization off it’s feet. Today, also, I submitted a formal proposal to my internship place of employment - Sybil Smith Family Village (more later) to promote my employment as a part time, temporary Child Advocate. Things finally are looking up.

A quick note about Sybil Smith -

It’s a transitional housing facility for women with histories of drug abuse or domestic violence in Mobile. It’s a place where women can regain their feet and have better futures for themselves and their children. Their children is where I come in. My classmate, and good friend, Mary, works there as the case manager for the women. She is the one who got me the paid internship for the summer. Now, they, the Village mothers, and the very small staff, miss my influence and impact on the kids. I told the director, Diane, that I could not afford the daily commute to Mobile (1 hr 13 min). But yesterday, I went in to talk to Diane about upping the notch with my kids. Basically, I offered to come in twice a week. Mondays to work group and fellowship sessions and Thursdays to work individual sessions. Today, I sent her a formal proposal which she will take to the “Big Boss” for approval. Basically, I (and Diane) are asking that the Exec. approve me for working the two days for about the same amount pay I received during my daily internship. Things are looking good for that.

So, in a nut shell: I have taken my student loans, the prospect of this job, and the numerous hours of volunteer I can now provide for the various organizations, and have made a living. It is meager at best, but I am thankful for the transition to the Social Work Counseling door this whole mess has opened for me. My fingers are crossed now that this will all work out for the future of my education and life.

Yes, Grad School gives purpose. And for me now, my purpose has been two fold: getting my education and credentials, all while allowing me to stay in my little home, and care for the only family I have close at hand: the two dogs and one cat.

So, enough about me...I’m sorry to hear about Bart, but know he’s in a happy home. I have considered the same path for ol’ itchy and stinky Smokie. But I am glad to hear of J. rediscovering his passion, and the two of you rekindling a flame you obviously have had for each other. As far as children are concerned, I understand the frustration of not being able to bear your own (as I am quickly aging out of that circuit), but I cannot stress the alternative enough that there are many, many children needing homes, and I hope you will never rule out the option of adoption or even fostering. But wait... You are still young enough to make the decision in a wise and well supported place in life. I have a classmate, who is actually a year or so younger than you, stressed about the child process. And I have given him the same advice I offer you: wait until J. (for him, himself) is a graduate, so children are not a distraction from the goal with which he (and J) are currently pursuing.

When you find yourself settled, the right decision will come. You are young...don’t let friends pregnancies influence your mind. The right time will come when you decide what best to do when children are concerned. And know, that no matter what, though we may be only cousins, I will still and always demand the Auntie status!

Much Love, and glad for our Correspondence,

Roberta

Feels like it's been five years in one

Dear Leigh,

I'm afraid I've been a woefully neglectful cousin. In fact, I know I have. It's been a crazy/hellish year for me, yet I believe yours has been even more so. I keep wondering how you are, so I figured I should stop wondering and just write to you.

So, how are you? You're in school, right? And am I mistaken in thinking you have a new job? I'd like to hear about all of that.

Life here in wild and wonderful West Virginia has finally reached a state of equilibrium. Since this time last year, Jeremiah and I have been through a lot. He became increasingly moody as the school-year wore on, refused to go out to eat, to movies, to concerts, decided he would not eat sugar... and then he switched to the non-fiction program, made a friend or two, and is again the Jeremiah that I know. Meanwhile, I've loathed and loved my job, bought a lot of clothing, feared for my life on snowy roads, been rejected by WVU's PhD program, let go of my childhood home forever, learned my best friend is pregnant, learned I may not be able to ever be pregnant, and had to send my dear sweet cat to live in the country because of his peeing problem. We are, at least, out of that awful carpeted postage-stamp smelly apartment and into something nice. And Jeremiah and I know each other so much better now (though I thought that wasn't possible).

I forgot about the double budget crises, which made me fear for my job (which is now stable again). Good Lord, what a year. And I'm only 25!

So that's my life as it is now, in a nutshell. It's been a year of re-evaluating what is REALLY important to me and learning that I don't actually have a distinct purpose in life, and can't rely on ever having one GRAND purpose. Oh, what a luxury graduate school was!

Anyway, I hope you'll write back soon. I miss hearing from you.

Love,
Kate

a lament

Dear Kate,

The other night, Sunday night, I was sitting in my back yard and for the first time, could smell the oil. Like a cancer in our gulf, this oil crisis has hit hard on my heart. Granted, the winds were from the south carrying the scent of the sheen, still ten miles away. Today, the wind is blowing from the north, pushing the mess into the Gulf Stream and again away from our coast. Yet, daily, “tar balls” wash on shore, leaving it littered with little brown globs. The beach looks like a very large pack of wild dogs were let loose on the sands to poop.

Another story, if you can bear with me:

Once upon a time, a young man went to England to study. He fell in love, but once his studies were over, he returned to the States, leaving his love behind. He eventually married. Over time, his wife became sick and he was left a widower. Perhaps influenced by loneliness, he sought out a love of his past, re connecting communication after years of separation. His love in England too had married, had started a family, and eventually too widowed. He traveled to England and brought his first love back to the States as his wife, her grown daughters remaining overseas. This story ended happily enough, until she too became sick. Rather than loosing in love twice, they chose to end in a Harry Crosby, Josephine Rotch fashion, ending their lives together with a bullet rather than suffer the pains of illness and loneliness.

These two were members of our church. Mixed emotions regarding their departure fly. And my heart is heavy when I think of them.

My dad is doing well, yet I hear in his voice a new weakness. I see in his emails a confusion of words from a once well written man. His mind can no longer read, nor really understand the strings of words he tries to read. I worry over his treatments. He has had a port installed, which is supposed to be a good thing, but still makes me squirm. He has restarted Radiation, and gets two hour doses of Chemo pumped in his port thingy every two weeks. I remember vividly his last bout with Chemo, and it was far from comforting. He has had his first Chemo dose, and as of this writing, no severe side affects, which is good. But like the oil in the gulf, it is not so much a matter of if, but when.

I feel like David when he cries out in the book of Psalms. Woe unto the depths of my heart!

The hand in hand feeling with these woes is that feeling of solitude. I feel isolated. I wonder why I have to be strong all the time. When can I be weak for just a moment and trust all will be ok? Whose hand can I hold as I stand up to face the storms in my life, the reassuring hand helping me remember that this too shall pass? Where is that someone whom I can trust will be there when it’s time to clean up from this mess?

I spoke to before about Capt’s bitch, bitch, bitch. Well, he still does. Bitches about work. Bitches about his teens, bitches about their mothers, bitches about his doctor. Then, when I cry out my woes, he listens, and claims them as his own. Let me ensure I am clear on this, he does not lift the burden from me or console (if you will), but rather, in a weird sense, steals them from me for his own personal pity party. I hear him, on the phone to his mother, to his brother, to his friends in Savannah, Arizona, Puerto Rico, to his friend’s mothers…you catch my drift…he is on the phone to anyone who will listen, “Woe is me for this family from my church” “Woe is me for the oil in the Gulf” “Woe is me for my girlfriend’s dad.” The man is ALWAYS on the phone (yet to me he claims he has no friends?), and always COMPLAINS!! I sometimes wonder if he breathes between sentences….

Ugh.

Still my guitar gently weeps.

This morning I woke to the capt telling me what great news it is that the Gulf Stream is pushing this oil away. But as one who sees the forest…I cannot rejoice. The damage is done. I am seeing the repercussions everywhere I turn, in the death of our wild life. In the loss to the jobs in Louisiana. To the shoring of our fishing boats. To the pending destruction in the Keys. To the far reaching tendrils of this cancer in the water. And what breaks my heart is that it was caused by man.

And my dad’s situation wears heavy on my heart for the opposite reason: his cancer was NOT caused by “man” (in terms of un-healthy habits).

Ma Cousine, I need a vacation. I have the dates. I leave here July 2^nd and do not have to be back until July 9^th. There are plans for my parents, and I am hoping that there are still plans for West Virginia. I would like to come see you and your new husband over 4^th of July weekend (me coming on Friday, leaving on Monday), if possible. Let me know. I promise I will not be a kill joy. Leaving the negativity of my relationship for a while will put that optimism back into my spirit. Plus, getting to be around family is always remedy for a sad, sad song!

A final tidbit, as my letter is really too long already… but to prove there is good in life:

I did apply for grad school. I am looking at starting a part time, Masters in Social Work program this fall. I dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s and now simply wait for that confirmation. A discussion with the head of the department put great confidence and reinforcement in my decision. So, we shall see.

All is well, ma cousine. Though I grumble, and the time is grey just the now, I know there are sunny skies. The oil spill is a disaster, but life must continue to push on, somehow. I just weep for those who cannot escape the blob. My prayers to the dolphins, sea turtles, fish, pelicans, herons, shell fish, humans and any other creature trapped by these globs of poisoned goo.

Paix,

Leigh

waxing introspective toward the end...sorry...

Dear Leigh,

I'm writing to you from a slightly more stable place than last time. I interviewed for a job, which I think I can have if I want it. Sadly, it's part-time and would pay 1,000 per month without benefits, but when J and I are splitting 700 per month rent, that's enough to live on (though I plan to find other part-time work). The important thing to me is that the job seems interesting! Transcribing college lectures for the deaf and hard of hearing in real time (though I'd edit my transcription and send the students notes later).

Part of me thinks "wait and see if an actual teaching job comes along," but the rest of me realizes that I have more credit card debt than money in the bank right now, and my credit card debt is VERY low. I will go to the final interview in June, and I will probably take this job.

We've also found a place to live (if you hadn't figured that out from fb and my reference to rent) and have decided to move the weekend before beach week. It was a tough decision...that beach week could be time J could work more at his job in Blacksburg, but it's time with family that we won't get back... and money is just money. We can eat ramen and, if necessary, borrow from a bank or my parents (whose interest rate would be much lower). We plan to sell or pawn a lot, too.

So, in light of these plans, it would probably be best if you planned on stopping in Morgantown, WV for the 4th of July or sometime thereabouts. It is the same distance from St. Louis as Blacksburg, but I'm afraid it's a few hours further away from Pensacola. I'd understand if that kept you from wanting to stop by, but I'll be very excited if you decide to visit.

It's interesting... You mentioned in your last post that I have some optimism, and it reminded me of an old journal entry I read a day or so ago from the era of "woe-is-me-my-life-is-so-much-harder-than-anybody-else's." In that entry, I said that I had some sort of "indestructible optimism," because despite my depression I never despaired. I never thought that I wouldn't ever be happy on a daily basis or that life wouldn't be great (and, looking back, I realize that life was always great, excepting a few moments of pain). Jeremiah, too, has said that, even though I seemed to be into self-destructive behaviors when we first met, it also seemed to him that it was a front... I never went so far as to actually get in trouble, and despite my partying I maintained near perfection when it came to school. I'm so glad he liked who I was back then, anyway.

Not too long ago, I would have described myself as a pessismist, but I'm not. I have moments of pessimism, but at those times Jeremiah plays the role of the optimist (most of the time I play that role for him). I also found a quote that I stole from an old professor of mine: "nothing can complete you, because you weren't a half-person to begin with." I found it comforting at the time, and still do, though now my feeling of incompleteness stems from professional and not romantic desires.

A few months ago, Jeremiah would often come home moaning about how he hated his job. "so look for a new one," I said. He said "I can't work anywhere with a BA in Creative Writing." Well, I looked FOR him, and found plenty he was qualified for... Still, he never applied, and continued hating his job. Luckily he got over it and applied to graduate programs, but it frustrated me at the time... I don't understand settling. I'll take a job I don't like in order to pay the bills, but you can bet I'll be searching for something else every evening when I get off work. I was rather harsh, at the time, and told him I thought he must get something out of hating his job, otherwise he wouldn't ignore the job ads I sent his way. Interestingly, he agreed...but I still don't know what exactly it was that he got out of it. Some people are just that way, I guess. I hope the captain and Mike get out of their job-hating funks. Those funks are contagious... well, Jeremiah's was, anyway.

I hope you are enjoying yourself and staying oil-free. What messes we make of a perfectly good world.

Love,
Kate

Fireworks

Dear Kate,

Life sounds exciting and a bit nerve wracking for you! Life is moving for you, slowly at times and at the speed of light the other times. I am very excited for your move. Though you have been in Blacksburg for many years, and it feels like home to you, it is good to spread your wings. Of course, this comes from someone who has lived in the same place for the past 10 years (20 if you count my time in Panama City). In my own defense, I did leave the part of town that was centered around the university to be closer to the heart of Pensacola, the place my own heart loves most about this little big town.

Yet, I often feel in that limbo…do I stay or do I move?

As I was walking around my yard the other day, I noticed the irises, which I planted two years ago, are finally blooming. My garden box is re-growing dormant perennials. The strawberries, which didn’t produce last year, are in abundance this year. After a very hard winter, I had to pull many of my plants out of the ground, dead from the cold. But I replaced them with sprouting trees which survived the winter in my sleeping garden box.

I truly felt at home. I often feel lost on my own mental adventure when I’m putting my hands in the dirt of my yard. The other day, the Capt was sick with a migraine. My hopes of going kayaking were partially dashed. Then I realized, I really didn’t need him to hold my hand to go for a paddle. So I tested my ability and shoved my little green kayak in my car – then did a quick jig because it fit perfectly. I went kayaking…by myself…and it was amazing. Again, I was lost in my own little mental adventure on the bayou.

I guess I have been trying to live the metaphor of making lemonade from the lemons (though I think I’d prefer margaritas from the key limes). I have really focused on my own personal change of attitude. And sadly, it has caused me to open my eyes in recognition of the capt’s sour attitude about everything in life. He complains ALL THE TIME!! I won’t digress on this, I’m not ready to delve into his topic today. What I will say is that I do understand we all have our gripes and needs of venting (and I am glad to offer an ear when frustrations need releasing); however, when the topic is constantly bitch, bitch, bitch, about work, work, work…well, it does get old.

At the same time, I understand your feelings about the frustrations with even finding a job. I know there is a terrible market out there. I also know we are of the same mentality, one which will find us dedicated to the task at hand, accepting anything with an income…at least until the better opportunity comes to focus. Folks like my brother will take the first thing across his plate, settle for the income, then complain about how much he hates his job. Reflecting on an earlier conversation with him, I asked why he wasn’t looking for something different. With the flow of excuses that poured from his mouth, I knew he was not out searching…he is of the type that wants the good life to fall in his lap. I think the capt is like this also…the good life has got to nip you in the bud before you realize it was there the whole time.

I’m sorry you are struggling to find a job. But I believe you to have a source of optimism tucked away. I may be completely off, but I don’t think I am. I think J. has helped you open your little treasure cache of good will. I saw it in your last letter. I saw it when we were all last together in North Carolina. And I look forward to seeing it this summer. As for my little relationship…I care very much for the capt, and hope my enthusiasm for life and it’s small daily adventures will soothe his corrupted little heart! (sarcasm…)

So, as for me…I have taken the bull by the horns, so to speak. I want travel back in my life, and will seek any opportunity with or without the capt. We are both truly fine with this, I would hope for him to jump on adventure regardless of my availability. I pray that at times our comings and goings will coincide, and when they don’t, as I said earlier, I don’t need him to hold my hand (though it is a nice additive).

I’m going on a road trip. My two main areas of visit include the newly weds and my parents. My window of opportunity is the 28^th of June through the 7^th ish of July. I would love to help you and J in your move, and I would love to spend an old fashioned Fourth of July either is some small West Virginia town, or along the banks of the Mississippi River. I don’t know why I love fireworks, I hate the noise of them…but I love good ol’ Fourth of July festivities.

So I leave it with this: I am flexible with my car. I can visit mom and dad first, then come your way for the Fouth, or vise versa. Let me know when I would be of most help and of least burden to you.

Paix, ma Cousine!

Leigh

update

Dear Leigh,

I was going to text you to let you know that I had posted over the weekend, but then we got some news that made at least part of my previous post obsolete. A testament to how uncertain the details of my next year were a few days ago.

As I mentioned in my previous note, J was accepted to WVU but hadn't heard about funding. Well, he's heard now, and we're headed to Morgantown in a couple of months. The next big adventure. I'm excited but, at the same time, worried that I won't find my place there. I'm so used to Blacksburg now! Adjusting to a new town can't be that hard... and my family will, at least, be a bit closer (some of them). My parents will be a mere 3 hours away, my grandmother 2, and my friend Laura 8 (instead of the 10 1/2 she is now).

Now I need a job, and a good one, because now I will need to be the breadwinner while J is the struggling graduate student. I've applied to over 15 jobs already, but I know it usually takes at least twice that number of applications before you get a nibble. Not sure the jobs are even out there, but I will make myself annoying to the places that ARE hiring.

Anyway, that's the update. Still read my previous letter, since it responds to yours.

Love,

Kate

Adventure

Dear Leigh,

I'm sorry your adventures have been foiled. If that camping trip doesn't take shape, you should take matters into your own hands and just DO something. Maybe the Captain will come along if he knows you're going no matter what.

Personally, I'm adventured out. Our wedding was just about perfect. I wish your family could have made it, but I'm happier knowing that your Dad didn't put himself through extra stress by traveling so far and that you were together as a family when you needed to be.

Back to the wedding, though... It reawakened whatever piety I possess and confirmed my belief that if you act as though something will go right, it will go right (and if it doesn't, at least you won't be so stressed along the way). There were many opportunities for the day to fall apart (in minor ways), yet it never did. Our B&B was disappointing for how much it cost, but we didn't really care. In fact, we'll probably go back again, just for sentimentality's sake. The water smelled like eggs, the floors were freezing, Jeremiah got champagne all over the kitchen, breakfast was kind of gross, and there was a compost bin under the sink...but it all is dear to me.

Our "honeymoon"...well, if I could take a mulligan, I would. I should've known Jeremiah wouldn't really take to cruising (though he loved dinners) and that going places I'd already been would lead to disappointment. They're not quite so magical when you're older and used to being in charge of how you get where you want to go. We had fun, nonetheless, and Jeremiah still wants to travel (thank goodness)...just to less tourist-centered places, perhaps. He mentioned an alaskan cruise...

So that brings me to the adventures of everyday life, which are many. We currently do not know for sure where we'll be next year (we might find out tomorrow), do not know whether I'll be able to find employment this summer, whether we'll be able to go to the beach... Jeremiah got into WVU's MFA program, but they haven't guaranteed him funding. They also haven't denied it. He's supposed to find out tomorrow where he is on the list of those being considered for funding...

I've applied for nearly 15 jobs already, and have investigated several more. My goal is 4 per week. I can get on the sub list for Floyd county schools but have yet to find opportunities in West Virginia... Our lease runs out July 1st, and I don't know if we'll be moving the week before or sooner or what. If we move, we'll need a new place to live, but I can't line that up when I don't know which town to look in... If we're moving to Morgantown I might just collect unemployment until I find a job there rather than begging someone to hire me for two months around here. I'll be able to pack up our stuff, at least.

Annnnd I defend on May 5th, graduate May 8th...

I'm ready for it all to be settled, and I'm frustrated that the schools I've applied to teach at haven't called me back. People HERE think I'm special...my capstone project has been nominated for a Chermside Award and I've been asked to read at graduation...but to other places I'm just another boring resume. I've called to follow-up on applications and the people who answer act as though I'm doing something completely inappropriate by calling with questions...

Every now and then I think "man, wouldn't it be nice if I could just move back home while I look for a job somewhere...eat my parents' food, live rent-free..." But I know I wouldn't be happy with that. Also, I've taken the adult step of marrying Jeremiah, so wherever I go he goes, and I would not take him to live with my parents. We should be able to make it on our own.

My philosophy right now is the same one I had approaching our wedding: believe it'll all work out. It keeps me from losing my mind. Can't wait until this particular bit of adventure is over, though...

On a completely different note: tomorrow is April 16th, and I have no idea what to do with myself. It's kind of disturbing how little I feel, considering how much I felt then. To go to campus or to not go to campus? To recognize the day or to sit inside and play videogames all afternoon? I've found a balance, I think...I'm heading to campus in the morning and leaving as soon as the insensitive younger folks make me angry enough. Then I'm having lunch with a friend of mine, who is the last remaining person here (apart from Andrew) who was actually with me on that day. Weirdly, I didn't know Jeremiah at all, yet... That's what I've been thinking of most, tonight: how much the landscape of my life has changed since then. That and how much I wish the underclassmen would disappear tomorrow so that we who were here can wander our campus in peace.

Anyway, I'll close for now. I could go on and on.

Love,

Kate

Time

Dear Kate,

It’s been a while. And of course, it is on my side. I am terrible at keeping up our posts. Even my own postings have been neglected for over a year. I was visiting my old site the other day, reminiscing and balking at the elapsed time. Not only between my own personal writing, but also the time between our correspondence.

Much has happened in that time; for you most mentionable. A thousand Congratulations for you and J. I am anxious to hear how you are enjoying life as the lady of the apartment, and how J has adapted to your routines. I want to hear a tale or two of wedding day moments and cruise memories. I find myself jealous at times for the thought of your great adventure.

I am in need of an adventure just now. Since our last posting, I have missed THREE chances at vacation. Once, over Christmas, Capt and I were supposed to go to Jackson, MS to visit with his family. Christmas’s in Jackson are so simple and fun. His dad plays the guitar while his mom orchestrates silly games for gifts of candy bars and $5 bills. The two nephews are there, two fun and wonderful boys. The youngest and I tend to get into mischief …teasing the Capt. or playing cards or plotting silly pranks. Fun times.

Then of course, when mom and dad were down for the month of January, I felt as if the whole month just melted away. There was not much time for going out and playing or bike riding because of dad’s strength. Plus, his trip to the hospital kept us from coming to your wedding. I am thankful for your grace in the matter. I had though of just going on my own, but luckily I didn’t, as dad would have been admitted while I was away. Funny how things work out sometimes.

Finally, I was supposed to see Eric Clapton in New Orleans. My birthday tradition, and only real wish, is to spend a day in the Big Easy. It’s just such an amazing place of art, music, culture, and FOOD!!! Plus, you throw in a couple of tickets to one of the greatest guitarists (in my humble opinion) and WOW! What a trip. Yet, the Thursday before departure, I found myself with the worst kind of stomach bug that did not ease until Sunday.

I feel so cheated.

I don’t look for much in adventure. A simple day trip here or there, or an overnight in a different setting is all I ask to tide me over until a mega, week long excursion gets placed in the books. An escape from reality is a wonderful thing. I have been looking to the Capt for that adventure, but for some reason, we are lacking in our communication skills. I feel him placing too much a priority on his work to make a simple get away. I would have thought we had occasional free days from work. Yet, currently, we are just at odds. We both need a trip. I know I told you I’d be planning a trip up to Virginia. I have plotted several trips that direction, complete with a side stay in Savannah to visit Capt’s friends. But again, we are just at odds. One minute he is on board with travel, the next finds him unwilling to take the time away from his job.

He has suggested a camping trip for the end of this month. He claims to be in need of a vacation. I have been in need of an adventure for much longer. So, I plan to sit tight and wait. If he does not follow through with this trip, or for another reason I get cheated (gosh, sounds like the world revolves around me!)… anyway, if this trip fall through the giant cracks in life, I will be taking this journeying life by the horns and road trip away by my self.

So perhaps you should expect to see me in July!

Paix ma cousine,

Leigh

I lack useful advice

Dear Leigh,

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. Lost my mind for a little while at the end of the semester, but most of it's returned to me now.

I remember you telling me about your dream of owning your own cafe a few years ago when I visited you on the great road-trip of 07. I'd never dream of driving so far on my own now, though I'm glad I made the trip then. Somehow I've become more cautious in the past two years. I think it has something to do with J. It's as though, before I met him, I flailed around asking to be hurt then pitied myself when I was. So selfish. So stupid.

Anyway, what I admired about you then and still admire about you today is your independence. I thought I was being independent by driving hundreds of miles on my own and going out drinking every weekend with my friends and eschewing healthy relationships in favor of non-relationships and applying to a prestigious school I couldn't afford in Boston, but my parents still gave me money every month and I rarely did anything outside of what my friends suggested we do. Jeremiah still has a hard time getting me to say what I want, actually. You, however, had established your own life and had very specific aspirations...

I have a point somewhere. I think it's that you seem to have a real sense of yourself, whereas I've only recently acquired mine (and I'm still fine-tuning it...probably will be until I die). It would be a shame for somebody like you to continue feeling that they're not living life but giving in to it. Then again, it's very easy to say "if you like cooking, then cook!" but very hard to actually do something like that. It's daunting, once you're in a particular path, to even consider leaving it completely. The logistics are nightmarish... Still, I hope that you find a way to do what you love for a living. Maybe research culinary schools in the area and see what kind of classes and funding are available? Or maybe a move would do the trick.

I don't really know. Jeremiah's worried about the same kind of thing. He fears that he won't get into an MFA program and will be stuck in food service. I've pointed out that he's perfectly qualified for freelancing and that freelancing can lead to full time jobs, but it comes back to that rut and the difficulty of breaking out of it. I'm optimistic that both of you can find a bit of adventure, but I don't envy you the task.

Luckily, both you and Jeremiah have supportive significant others to encourage you.

I think I’ve Become Obsessed with Food

Not eating, but creating.

Dear Kate,

I find it hard to get anything done when ambition levels are at an all time low. I laugh at myself and my bursts of inspiring words offered to you when in reality you were not lacking in self esteem. Life truly seems to be going quite well in Virginia, and I am both happy and excited for you! However, I may need to go back and reread some of my own moral boosts for personal reasons.

How about a story to get this letter going:

In the early 70's, my mom traveled from Maine to New Orleans to California and back to Maine (yes, I gave NOLA its own state identification) carrying nothing more than a backpack and equipped with only her thumb. When she returned to Maine, her travelling days were not complete. Instead, she found a job working in an officer’s club on the local air force base. I believe she worked there with one purpose in mind: to meet herself a nice military officer with adventure on his plate. And it worked. A few years later and a young family in tow, the adventures continued to places like Germany, Saudi Arabia, Virginia, and all the great sights surrounding those locations.

So how did I, an offspring of two great travelers, get stuck. I have been in the same place (Northwest Florida) for the past 20 years. Yes, you read right, we moved to Panama City in 1989. The furthest adventure I made from this place was the family cruse a few years back.

There is point here somewhere: I am just not quite sure if I can make it sharp…

Growing up, I always felt like it was expected of me to marry that nice military man and continue my own travels. I felt like, as my young life progressed through high school, there was no real direction for my future. College was an afterthought. My education goals non-existent. I do not feel I had much support. For many reasons, I feel like I missed out on something great. I do have quite a few wonderful memories in this life thus far, but I do not feel I have been able to live up to the potential of what I have to offer. Put simply, I often feel like I’m succumbing to life rather than LIVING it.

I am really burned out in my job. I never pictured myself as a youth director. There are days I love it. More and more, there are days, like today, I loathe it. Last week was a wonderful week: I was sick. I got to stay home the entire week and not deal with the monotony of planning activities which the kids will resist. I feel the only way I can make them happy is by feeding them or numbing them with a movie. And I hate those feelings. I hate thinking that my kids are so unappreciative of what I have to offer. They come here, to this church, seeking what? I don’t know anymore. It can’t be the program I’m running. They prefer to distract and make a game of who can get the best reaction from rude innuendos, jumping all over the couches like a room full of monkeys (only real monkeys are much better behaved). Well, perhaps I am too harsh. The bottom line is, life is just no fun anymore.

Thus my obsession with food. Sometimes I think my calling may have come too late. I love food. I love reading menus, planning flavors, experimenting with meals. I am not that big on the eating part, but I love the preparing and serving part. I love to learn and experiment. There is a Vegan restaurant in town, and I LOVE the place. I want to live there! Well, not really. But I did find inspiration in this little beatnik café. I went to the bookstore the other day and found myself a new Vegan cookbook so I too could experiment with a different food style with which I can somewhat relate.

A last grumble, then I will complete this letter: Capt has a friend with a restaurant on Tybee Island. I have been begging Capt for a relocation! I love Pensacola, but this town has grown quite small. A few weeks ago we went to Gallery Night, basically a downtown street party. And if I did not run into a major handful of people from work! Most may not think it so bad, but I HATE running into people from work. I feel like a hypocrite when I am trying to live a life according to me…not one defined by expectations imposed by my employment!

I know what I want to do with my life. Food is my adventure. I want to travel the human palate with my own café. I want to create comfort foods for others to eat. I want to experiment with new flavors, creating a table of savory, sweet, tart, tangy, spicy, all satisfying to the taste buds. But how does one jump out of this rut, this binding of debt and house payments to make the necessary move away from the familiar to the possibly more satisfying unfamiliar?

Paix, ma cousine.

Leigh

PS. Ideas for a J gift are requested from my brother… if you please.