Adventure

Dear Leigh,

I'm sorry your adventures have been foiled. If that camping trip doesn't take shape, you should take matters into your own hands and just DO something. Maybe the Captain will come along if he knows you're going no matter what.

Personally, I'm adventured out. Our wedding was just about perfect. I wish your family could have made it, but I'm happier knowing that your Dad didn't put himself through extra stress by traveling so far and that you were together as a family when you needed to be.

Back to the wedding, though... It reawakened whatever piety I possess and confirmed my belief that if you act as though something will go right, it will go right (and if it doesn't, at least you won't be so stressed along the way). There were many opportunities for the day to fall apart (in minor ways), yet it never did. Our B&B was disappointing for how much it cost, but we didn't really care. In fact, we'll probably go back again, just for sentimentality's sake. The water smelled like eggs, the floors were freezing, Jeremiah got champagne all over the kitchen, breakfast was kind of gross, and there was a compost bin under the sink...but it all is dear to me.

Our "honeymoon"...well, if I could take a mulligan, I would. I should've known Jeremiah wouldn't really take to cruising (though he loved dinners) and that going places I'd already been would lead to disappointment. They're not quite so magical when you're older and used to being in charge of how you get where you want to go. We had fun, nonetheless, and Jeremiah still wants to travel (thank goodness)...just to less tourist-centered places, perhaps. He mentioned an alaskan cruise...

So that brings me to the adventures of everyday life, which are many. We currently do not know for sure where we'll be next year (we might find out tomorrow), do not know whether I'll be able to find employment this summer, whether we'll be able to go to the beach... Jeremiah got into WVU's MFA program, but they haven't guaranteed him funding. They also haven't denied it. He's supposed to find out tomorrow where he is on the list of those being considered for funding...

I've applied for nearly 15 jobs already, and have investigated several more. My goal is 4 per week. I can get on the sub list for Floyd county schools but have yet to find opportunities in West Virginia... Our lease runs out July 1st, and I don't know if we'll be moving the week before or sooner or what. If we move, we'll need a new place to live, but I can't line that up when I don't know which town to look in... If we're moving to Morgantown I might just collect unemployment until I find a job there rather than begging someone to hire me for two months around here. I'll be able to pack up our stuff, at least.

Annnnd I defend on May 5th, graduate May 8th...

I'm ready for it all to be settled, and I'm frustrated that the schools I've applied to teach at haven't called me back. People HERE think I'm special...my capstone project has been nominated for a Chermside Award and I've been asked to read at graduation...but to other places I'm just another boring resume. I've called to follow-up on applications and the people who answer act as though I'm doing something completely inappropriate by calling with questions...

Every now and then I think "man, wouldn't it be nice if I could just move back home while I look for a job somewhere...eat my parents' food, live rent-free..." But I know I wouldn't be happy with that. Also, I've taken the adult step of marrying Jeremiah, so wherever I go he goes, and I would not take him to live with my parents. We should be able to make it on our own.

My philosophy right now is the same one I had approaching our wedding: believe it'll all work out. It keeps me from losing my mind. Can't wait until this particular bit of adventure is over, though...

On a completely different note: tomorrow is April 16th, and I have no idea what to do with myself. It's kind of disturbing how little I feel, considering how much I felt then. To go to campus or to not go to campus? To recognize the day or to sit inside and play videogames all afternoon? I've found a balance, I think...I'm heading to campus in the morning and leaving as soon as the insensitive younger folks make me angry enough. Then I'm having lunch with a friend of mine, who is the last remaining person here (apart from Andrew) who was actually with me on that day. Weirdly, I didn't know Jeremiah at all, yet... That's what I've been thinking of most, tonight: how much the landscape of my life has changed since then. That and how much I wish the underclassmen would disappear tomorrow so that we who were here can wander our campus in peace.

Anyway, I'll close for now. I could go on and on.

Love,

Kate

Time

Dear Kate,

It’s been a while. And of course, it is on my side. I am terrible at keeping up our posts. Even my own postings have been neglected for over a year. I was visiting my old site the other day, reminiscing and balking at the elapsed time. Not only between my own personal writing, but also the time between our correspondence.

Much has happened in that time; for you most mentionable. A thousand Congratulations for you and J. I am anxious to hear how you are enjoying life as the lady of the apartment, and how J has adapted to your routines. I want to hear a tale or two of wedding day moments and cruise memories. I find myself jealous at times for the thought of your great adventure.

I am in need of an adventure just now. Since our last posting, I have missed THREE chances at vacation. Once, over Christmas, Capt and I were supposed to go to Jackson, MS to visit with his family. Christmas’s in Jackson are so simple and fun. His dad plays the guitar while his mom orchestrates silly games for gifts of candy bars and $5 bills. The two nephews are there, two fun and wonderful boys. The youngest and I tend to get into mischief …teasing the Capt. or playing cards or plotting silly pranks. Fun times.

Then of course, when mom and dad were down for the month of January, I felt as if the whole month just melted away. There was not much time for going out and playing or bike riding because of dad’s strength. Plus, his trip to the hospital kept us from coming to your wedding. I am thankful for your grace in the matter. I had though of just going on my own, but luckily I didn’t, as dad would have been admitted while I was away. Funny how things work out sometimes.

Finally, I was supposed to see Eric Clapton in New Orleans. My birthday tradition, and only real wish, is to spend a day in the Big Easy. It’s just such an amazing place of art, music, culture, and FOOD!!! Plus, you throw in a couple of tickets to one of the greatest guitarists (in my humble opinion) and WOW! What a trip. Yet, the Thursday before departure, I found myself with the worst kind of stomach bug that did not ease until Sunday.

I feel so cheated.

I don’t look for much in adventure. A simple day trip here or there, or an overnight in a different setting is all I ask to tide me over until a mega, week long excursion gets placed in the books. An escape from reality is a wonderful thing. I have been looking to the Capt for that adventure, but for some reason, we are lacking in our communication skills. I feel him placing too much a priority on his work to make a simple get away. I would have thought we had occasional free days from work. Yet, currently, we are just at odds. We both need a trip. I know I told you I’d be planning a trip up to Virginia. I have plotted several trips that direction, complete with a side stay in Savannah to visit Capt’s friends. But again, we are just at odds. One minute he is on board with travel, the next finds him unwilling to take the time away from his job.

He has suggested a camping trip for the end of this month. He claims to be in need of a vacation. I have been in need of an adventure for much longer. So, I plan to sit tight and wait. If he does not follow through with this trip, or for another reason I get cheated (gosh, sounds like the world revolves around me!)… anyway, if this trip fall through the giant cracks in life, I will be taking this journeying life by the horns and road trip away by my self.

So perhaps you should expect to see me in July!

Paix ma cousine,

Leigh

Home Sweet Home

Dear Kate,

When you feel strongly about a given topic, you should air it out like rugs on a spring day. Lest you want those thoughts to grow old and musty, harboring in your soul!

There was a time in my younger days when roommates seemed the way to go. But those ideas left as quickly as they hatched. Like you, an only girl in the family, I was raised with my own room; my own space to write, listen and play music, do homework, hide, and simply be me. I never did well with sharing my personal space. In fact, I can only think of one roommate who fit the bill of independent living in a shared space. With other folks whom have shared living quarters, I remember distinctly thinking like you now think: Only “x” amount of days left until FREEDOM!! Luckily, I was so intent on having my own space, I usually sought out small, affordable living arrangements: one room or studio apartments. So when the stray friend did arrive needing a place to stay, it was usually cramped, but thankfully, short lived.

Having a “home” though has always been an interesting concept. My parents moved to St. Louis my senior year in high school, and I stayed behind. Panama City was my “home” until I realized it was no place to rest my head. Too much negative energy. So my move to Pensacola helped me rediscover a town to call my own. Where my parents live will never be an address for me. Rather, I have always felt drawn to make where my feet land my residence.

Once upon a time, I shared a great little home. However, when things started going wrong with mr. ex, my “home” no longer felt as such. I had to make the difficult decision to pick up and move. There is a point for this thought, and I use it as a gentle warning. My home with the ex started nice: a big plot of land for a garden, walls I could paint, a shed for my creating, rooms with big windows. But I was the one left struggling to keep that house a home. I was the one cleaning, cooking, shopping, mowing, tending, tidying, pruning, vacuuming, washing…time slipping away while I felt alone in my efforts to keep up a “home.” It no longer felt like “ours.” And that is my warning: You with your accommodating ways: Don’t find yourself always doing the household chores alone… you tend to eventually resent the one who was supposed to be the other part of “we.”

I only say this because I continually see you saying, “wherever J goes, I’ll follow.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I like J. And I like his philosophy of not longer putting off living because of the “first I have to’s” (unless it’s a necessary “have to” in order to reach a wanted goal…like “having to…” raise some money to build on a plot of land from granddad). But, on the flip side of the coin, you do have the masters. What does Kate truly want to do, outside of J? And is it something that perhaps J could follow you?? Now, I am ok of Kate truly wants to follow J, I just want Kate to go because KATE WANTS TO, not because J expects Kate to follow. Am I making sense? Part two of leaving ex was because he found contentment; there was no longer a sense of adventure. If I were the kind of person to be happy in one place, then perhaps I could have stayed. However, like J, I believe life is an adventure worth living. I felt I was losing me by giving in and trying to mould myself to another’s life. I was driven to move on, and in doing so, I found a corner of the earth to call my own. And in that corner, I was able to rediscover and reclaim ME.

With my reclaim to the life that is mine, the capt joined in my journey. We share the same sense of adventure, and my home has become “our” home, completely and truly (he even does his own laundry!!). He has opened my eyes to a new definition of home. The capt lost his home to Katrina, and during a weekend outing, he took me to see the concrete slab that is all which remains of the place he once called home. We have learned that home may often be embellished by the objects of furniture and nick knacks collected over the years. But a home, if you’ll excuse the cliché, is truly where the heart is. As in, the capt and I do share the ideas of a nice quiet plot of land with a garden and a writing room, but we also know we would be equally at home on a boat with our only belongings fitting into one bag. Home is where he is, and vice versa.

So, in conclusion, continue to play your patience card, but know your companionship with J is just another simple form of “home.” Continue to look forward to that little house you will one day call you’re your own, but don’t allow those desires to cloud over what you have today. I am excited for your apartment to be, and excited for your future, but don’t forget the now, for it is where we must live.

Peace, and Patience, ma cousin,

Leigh

Technological Soapbox

Dear Kate,

Three months have passed since out last correspondence, well…since my last response! There truly are no excuses for my hiatus…
Writers Block: No. I just haven’t been writing
Laziness: No. I have been pretty busy
Too Busy: No. One can always find time.
The truth is, I just haven’t been writing! Sometimes I feel I can attribute it to a simple case of Burnout. Not from our letter writing, but perhaps my job. Or even sometimes my indecisiveness over what I want to “be when I grow up.” There is a transition waiting over the next hill in my life, and maybe it is an impatience for that next climb that keeps me from my writing and sets me in this rut of “burnout.”

I think some of this draining with my work stems from the same frustrations you experience in the classroom. I feel sometimes I bear an old-fashionedness that frustrates me towards the ageing younger generations (the rising high school kids in my case). The technology you refer to in your letter can certainly be to blame. You grumble that kids no longer read: why read when you can watch the movie or download the cliff notes? The internet caters so much to these kids, their teachers and leaders should be catering as well! Cell phones with texting dominate the lives of my teens. Yesterday I was at the beach and I saw a young girl walking along with her boyfriend. She was adorned in her bikini and carrying her cell phone in her hand. I wanted to ask: “why couldn’t you leave that device behind while you walked?” I have to force my kids to leave their cell phones in a “cell phone station” so they don’t text or call during my programs. Video games have replaced outdoor games. When I lead a retreat at our campsite, the kids want high tech: movies, power point, video games. I want to shake them and say: WE’RE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS!! TV today jumps and flashes so much I realize there is no surprise that the kids cannot sit still for five minutes without something to artificially stimulate their minds.

I look at society today and see the distress of the economic times. This technology has somewhat lead to this need of bigger and better, brighter and flashier toys. Power Boats, Gaming Systems, Sports Cars and SUVs, Music Players, Internet Touch Phones. It is no wonder that these expensive habits are causing such grief when budgets become tighter. I know of kids who need to get a new game each year for their xBox or Wii…but those games aren’t cheap! Phone charges become more costly the more applications you need (unlimited text, unlimited minutes, unlimited internet). Gas prices…need I say more.

Again I say maybe I am old fashioned. I do not have cable, internet, more than one car, or too fancy a phone. I do have a garden, some books, a radio, and an imagination. I cannot tell you how many friends (and family) have commented on their desire NOT to come to my house because I don’t have a TV to entertain. I didn’t realize sitting the back yard chatting and stargazing wasn’t entertaining. Nor did I know people don’t like listening to original music on NPR. Also, I have heard that my house it too small (Do I really need more space? It’s just more I’d have to CLEAN!) I have a friend who actually tried to convince me to buy HER house so she could buy a bigger one for her and her husband. Do two people really need all that space? I don’t have that much stuff…and I have come to realize that when I do become crowded in my small house, it may be time to consolidate!

Having read over the past few paragraphs, I feel I have become my “Father’s Daughter.” We two can be quite the grumblers. As I get these grumbles out of my system…I feel a need to defend technology. I do own a cell phone. I do like to blog and email. But I don’t let those things run my life. I am thankful for the life I have. It is a life suited for me. I respect that others may not like my lifestyle, but it’s ok…that is why it is MY life. No one can tell me how to exist much less than I can insist another live like me. I have my faults, and yet, here I am throwing the first stone. So to turn this whole letter from a grumble to productive verbiage: I work hard to try to throw my simplistic way of life into the whirlwind of technological living in which my kids have been raised. Rather than force myself or others to accept one way of life over another, I would rather stress the need to adapt: keeping one’s own identity, hoping it may rub off or mesh with the next generation.

I know this does not help much in the gist of your letter…I just decided to hop upon my trusty soapbox and go to town. Again, accept my apologies for my hiatus, and know I will do better at keeping up my end of the conversation!!



Paix, ma cousine,

Leigh

An Optimistic Soap Box

Dear Kate,

I read the date of your last letter and was riddled to shame at the length of time I’ve allowed to lapse for my response. However, as I re-read your thoughts, it sparked the same emotion I felt the first time I read your words a month ago. Why it took me so long to respond… I don’t feel right making excuses, because there are none.

The emotions corresponding with your words first dealt with your talk of following J wherever his life may lead. Upon first glance, I fluffed up my feathers of female independence and thought NO!! You should be foraging your own path, and fitting his life to yours. But then I realized my own shoes would follow the capt’s half way around the world and back for two reasons. The first reason is simply because I love him so much, I would never want to be apart from him. His life and mine flow along the same path so effortlessly that I do not feel I am losing any part of my own identity in accompanying him. The second reason is as simple: his life would lead me on the road of adventure I so much adore in this existence. So my thoughts back to your willingness to follow J – I pray that his life will lead you on that adventure, positively influencing your life’s accomplishments. I know you have the commitment with him, I simply pray the second piece won’t lead you into a life of settlement. I do believe you know as well as I that life is truly an adventure worth living.

The second emotion that bubbled from your letter deals with comparison. You are a wonderful person: intelligent, talented, creative. Yet you compare your gifts to those of J. You should be looking to him more for inspiration perhaps than comparison. You are both truly differing people with differing abilities. I fear when we begin to evaluate ourselves against those we admire, we will always fall short. We will never be good enough – You really have your own talents and passions without need for personal judgement based on another's life. I have found that I could many times set my own self up for doubt if I compare myself within YOUR shadow, rather than using it for inspiration. You amaze me, yet I know I have my own abilities outside of your glow. There is no comparison. I fear that when we stumble into a life of “us vs. them,” we set ourselves up for certain failure! We will never be as good as “them” because we are “me’s.” You are the individual with the individual talent – a talent you need to tend to rather than compare. I’ll never be as good a sailor as the capt, but that’s ok, that talent belongs to him. I am simply along for the ride, silently learning as much as possible to become the best I need to be at his sport.

Finally, as to your thesis: Sometimes the topics we choose as “easy” may be those towards which we feel some form of passion. In other words, what you may consider “easy” may not be so for another whose passion falls in another field. For you, your love is in the evolution of the short story. Another may hate the idea of the evolution, and rather focus on the writers choice of pen name. There are so many pieces. Like I mentioned before, both in my previous letter and within this paragraph, passion is that in which we find ease because we love the topic so much. You need to write about what you love: music, thrift-stores, painting, short-stories. Don’t feel your life is so humdrum that you believe it would make for a boring tale. I believe Jane Austen’s tales were not about very interesting lives, yet she wrote them with her own passion – threading that flow of emotion needed to grasp a reader’s adoration. Simply: it is fine to write about those things which are “easy” because they are often the things we care most about, thus weaving the ribbon of interest based upon our own experience and zeal.

Best of luck to your writing, ma cousine.
Paix,
Leigh

Prioritizing Passion

Dear Kate,

I love the memory given by your mother in her letter. Here was her daughter, wanting a walk, but content to fend herself. Consequently, mom reevaluates the importance of her choice in this situation, and decides instead to spend good quality time with her daughter. So often in our society we miss this quality time…Look at your closest relationships now. You, like me, are content in solitude, but appreciate good quality time spent with those dearest to our hearts (though the actual number within that intimate circle only requires the use of one hand to count).

Just now I sit writing you, alone in my home, content with the music in the background and the snoring of the herd. I had spent some needed time reading a great book, a gift from the capt. costing him only a quarter. Soon I will be leaving for a drive over to my brothers, and though capt has had a long rough day, he has chosen to ride with me the hour’s distance to Destin. I have to go regardless and would have gone alone, but he who had the choice decided going along for the ride mattered. And I love him a little more for that decision. Now this obligatory ride will become one of good quality time spent with a wonderful companion…a nice break from the monotony of obligations.

Alluding to your letter though, these sacrificial decisions must be balanced on either side of any relationship for bonds to hold. It sounds like your friend in Atlanta demands all from you with little to return. I do not wish to make assumptions, but I do often find myself constantly in the shoes which cause me to bend backwards to others. And slowly it results in great weariness. I find I often have to take a step back and let the plate fall. If it doesn’t break, I’ll eventually return it to its place. (Luckily the doc’s plate shattered, and I am a happier person for it!) So I pray for the sake of your relationship with Atlanta – I pray she assists in keeping the plate of your friendship spinning, so you alone are not drawn to weariness, risking the break of a special relationship.

Now to shift topics –

I finished a book New Songs in an Old Café by Robert James Waller. It is a collection of essays written mostly for the Des Moines Register. I bring this up because I felt his essays were filled with such passion! This passion emitting from his pages led me into deeper thoughts. One essay, which actually is a commencement speech, deals with the topic of Romance. And I get it. I felt it did a fairly good job describing my lifestyle: open to the joys of life, in whatever form they may mold – music, nature, solitude, poetry. Like I said – I get it. When not bogged down by family strains, I embrace those joys of life: the dawn of a new day, the colors of a sunset, the uncertain adventures taken in life, the tune of a strummed or hammered dulcimer, the acceptance of dogs unconditional love. It is all beautiful.

But I do tend to lack passion. This passion is not directly spoken to by Waller, but you can feel it in his works. I discussed this with a friend over lunch, and friends idea was practice…the more you write, the more passion becomes apparent. I agree with this, but I just feel there is something more. I once learned at a soccer camp that practice made permanent. If I continue to write with lifeless allure, then my future writings will continue to embrace nothing. I think, obviously, we need to write about topics of which we devote a great deal of care, and to immerse yourself into that about which you do care. Learn it, live it, feel it, understand it. This way you can accurately defend your position with not just scholarly knowledge, but experience. This passion draws you towards certain books, events, adventures, lectures. And when you write about said experiences, your words flow from your mind faster than your fingers can write. There is such energy emitting from your pencil, others feel rather than read your writings. Back to the Waller example, his essays may not have dealt directly with things which interest me, but I felt emotion boil up inside as I experienced his words.

So, my question…where is my passion? (rhetorically speaking) Where are the emotional ribbons I need to weave through my words? What do I care so much about that I am leaving feelings rather than ink? I like many things, sure: natural freedom, local produce, French lifestyles, panting dogs, irresistible food, sensational grace. Yet I feel I lack that extra oomph to passion. I’m not upset over this, just in awe. I pray perhaps this realization will spark a desire to deepen my knowledge in said areas, so I too can write with the emotional conviction seen in so many writers (Kingsolver, Lamott, Bryson, Quinn).

Paix, ma cousine,

Leigh

Side Show in the Circus

Dear Kate,

It is interesting, this thought of independence. I was mulling on it more this morning, and many of the thoughts I hatched were alluded to in your letter. I have been slow in my response, still allowing some time to heal old wounds. But I feel on the fast track back to my ol’ self, regaining some of my tough outer skin, disallowing silly remarks to stab deeper than the speaker intended. Though there are still times when I just want to curl up and cry. For example, just Tuesday some walker with her stupid perfect dog walking leash-less by her side made a comment about my herd walking. Molly went slightly ballistic in her own puppy way at the sight of this other dog, causing my other two to pull each way, trying to determine the cause of an ADD puppy’s excitement. I thought I handled my herd fine, for one who is out weighed and out muscled by the combined hounds. Individually, they are wonderful, fairly well behaved dogs…with Molly’s puppy-ness exception. But together, they feed off each other’s excitement and curiosity. It is tough, but we do well.

But then there are the days I want to shoot them to the moon.

Independence is a funny thing. I am reading the book Into the Wild about a boy going into the Alaskan wilderness to live alone for a while. The deepest form of independence, if you ask me. I sometimes think that is where I would like to be, living in pure solitude with no human contact. However, I believe it would have to be more or less a temporary fix, just a short time sans human contact to defrag from the demands of society… the same as those you highlighted in your letter. Yet I know I will never be truly free of the demands of my kids, my friends, my family, my dogs. So, I do try to find “me-mo’s”: me moments of quiet solitude to ease a troubled soul, tensions pulled tight by social demands, my thin bands of sanity unraveling. Sadly, it is not quite so poetic as a Walt Whitman journal entry, but my quite times are the best I can supply in my current situation.

Basically life is nothing but plate spinning. You sit on stage, spinning a plate on a post. Yet the crowds did not come to see you balance one plate, so you start the next saucer a spinning, then the next, then the next. How many plates can you get moving before the first one falters and you find yourself unable to rush back to keep it balanced. Our social demands are like this. Mom and dad want a visit, brother wants a party, friends want a sponge, kids want a lock-in, dogs want a walk, boyfriends want attention, ex wants a reunion, the self just wants a vacation.

We are never truly independent. There will always be a demand from someone lurking in the shadows. But I think this independence can be healthily embraced if we can find, or demand a compromise from other parties. One of my college youth made a great comment the other day: She is happy when she is single, and happier when dating someone who is compatible. Obvious remark. But the first line is where we falter. Being happy solo. I have been there. Unhealthy relationships have caused me to lose some of this independent confidence. I tend to a personality which would gladly give all and then some for those around me, and often it is to the determent of my own happiness. But I am again feeling stronger these days, and more ready to take on the world, demanding more compromise from friends, work, and dogs. You and I tend to be the same in this, we let others tramp over our strive towards independence. We have to learn to butt in on those conversations to give our own related grievances, to demand the family make the drive for a visit, or, as you have done (kudos to you)…detach from the phone for moments of uninterrupted silence. “Just say no” is not only a slogan for drug use. Independence is not just about being solo, it is about forming healthy relationships, where we can be happy in our solitude, and happier still in our balanced relationships.

Just so long as no one makes a snide comment on the erratic behavior of my puppy…Molly’s an idiot, I know this, but she’s a cute idiot!!

Vivre en Paix

Leigh