the lining is quite silver.

My dear cousin:

I find myself reassuring family members of my happiness multiple times today. My next facebook status will go through several stages of review before being published...

Every now and then--and particularly in very busy weeks--the world seems much bigger than usual and I give in to despair for a few moments, convincing myself that it's entirely TOO big and crowded for me (and J) to wiggle in. Last night (two nights ago, now), during one of these moments, I posted my facebook status, and the rest is history. It's all symptomatic of a bit of leftover child in me, a child who says "I don't WANNA!" when made to take out the garbage or clean their room. My adult side recognizes that struggle and uncertainty are just a part of life, particularly young-20s life, but that kid would like it all to just come easily.

Most of the time, however, I feel up to the struggle and vivified by the uncertainty. Questions like "where are we going to be next year?" and "what kind of job will I have?" excite me. Life in general is good; I enjoy my students immensely, even when they're exasperating, and I'm excited about my capstone project (when I have the time to work on it). J and I are getting married in January, my parents offered to send us on a honeymoon as a wedding gift (even though they're paying for the wedding...this feels excessive to me, but I won't complain), and now that he's off salary-schedule I even get to see him some of the time.

All of this made me decide to keep on going...to continue doing what I enjoy and seem to be good at, because when I'm enjoying my work, I don't care so much that I get paid so little. So, with encouragement from J, I decided to apply to PhD programs at the schools he's applying to for his MFA. I could try to do the safe thing and find a job, but chances are I won't find one even remotely related to what I've been studying or one that pays much more than a graduate student stipend anyway...

I guess the child in me came out after this decision (which I made Monday), because I'm choosing to do what I like and am good at, and this means that I'm choosing to struggle. It's intimidating...and I admit I got a little angry that what I like and am good at isn't valued enough in the US today for me to even be guaranteed a good job on the other side of a PhD. I want everything! A cushy job that I like that gives me the flexibility to have a family, a spot for J at a school he feels comfortable at...

Two weeks ago (I swear this is related), I went to a conference at UNC Greensboro to present a paper I wrote last Fall. Four of my classmates went along; two of these were on the same panel as me. The conference ended up being a bust. There were maybe 30 people there, none with papers that interested me, and because our panel was at the end of the day, nobody came. That's right, NOBODY showed up. Not even the two classmates who presented at separate panels. So, my panel-mates and I read our papers to each other (something we could have done back home at VT), and drove three hours through pouring rain back to Blacksburg. The whole experience discouraged me at the time, but there is one thing that one professor said during a plenary session that WAS worth driving three hours to hear. This young professor advised us all to do what we like. Generally, she said, if you write about what you're interested in and do what you're good at rather than what makes you money at the time, you'll end up in a place meant for you. Your unique experiences won't let you end up anywhere else OTHER than that place.

I've learned over the years to trust the advice of people who've lived longer than I have, and, as I'm taking this woman's advice, I certainly hope she's right.

Anyhoo...I guess what I was getting at with all of that is: I'm quite happy. My lining is very silver...gold, even. The doubts just sometimes creep in, as is their wont, and I have trouble ignoring them every time...especially in the wee hours of the morning when I'm alone in the apartment and J is at work.

Love,
Kate

"a letter to one's beloved [cousin] ought not to be kept back for any dimness of thought or feebleness of expression...

... any more than a prayer should be stifled in the soul, because the tongue of man cannot breathe it eloquently to the Deity.”

My apologies to Hawthorne.

As I walked through past posts on your blog and read over thoughts on your “facebook status,” I realize what a terrible cousin I have been. I realize, and fully take the blame, that this deep mood of melancholy your writing exposes is all because you have not received a letter from your beloved cousin! And I am ashamed to say I have not written my beloved cousin because I have not felt my own feeble ideas were worth sharing. The reality is: I have written you three times, and after looking back, have decided that my letters were all petty and worthless.

Today I came across this quote on your blog, and was slapped a bit…the way one slaps a screaming idiot to calm the senses. To put in less abusive wording: you and I write, not for judgment of the other’s ideas, but rather to simply share and communicate. And I have not been good to my side of the conversation. So neglectful I have been, that questions drawn in your past letter are now obsolete and I feel terrible for not having offered an opinion. So I give you one anyway: you asked for ideas, possibly revolving around “contemporary compositions” – with attention to graphic novels. This flew out to me. My favorite set of graphic novels is Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis series. I’m not an avid reader of graphic novels, but the other day I looked over the shoulders of my teenagers to see what they are reading these days, and I saw mostly pictures with words in balloons. And these were no comic books, they were well written stories. I have one youth whose hobby it is to write stories set to the images he draws. It is so fascinating to see his sketch books, full of sequential squares, filled with dialogue and plot. I do not know how this random info could be helpful to you, but my eyes have opened to the popularity of graphic novels. I was equally fascinated by the fact that Persepolis had been made into a movie… and we are not talking the over production or over commercialization of Batman, Superman, and other Marvel Comics superheroes on the big screen. Persepolis looks to be like a “cartoonized” foreign film: classic and unique.

Enough of that.

I’m going to slip back to worry and address concerns brought up in other facets outside our Ab Epistulis writings. Your last letter was “annoyingly happy,” yet now, you seem quite the opposite. More the worry-er than the happy-er. What’s going on?

In one venue I see a frustration with your education tract and the possibility that your entire future is now ruined because you did not do something quite right…

Well, today is your lucky day! Because I am here to tell you I screwed up too. I got a psychology degree…complete with no ambition to continue on in that field. I am a happy person stuck in a rut. I do have a good life with a good man. A trait I hope I still share with you. I still struggle daily to achieve my dreams of adventure, yet I am content with patience. I know I suffer a disease of over patience which tends to prevent me from moving out of my rut. I often sit and complain and think, oh well, someday it will all get better, I just have to keep plugging along.

So this leaves me with contradictory thoughts for you…I am so sure they will help…ha...ha...ha

Life is what you make of it. I hate to shove down Betty Homemaker tid bits like “Enjoy the Small Stuff” but really, that is about as best as we can do sometimes. <-- Note the sometimes... settling is never a good thing. Yet, if we look too far into the big picture, we can easily get bogged down. We really do have to take life one day at a time, setting achievable goals and realizing that often we need to redefine those goals as life seems fit. If not for Katrina's influence, Stephen may never have found himself in Pensacola working for a snobby yacht club. He confided he would never work for that particular venue again… He was well on his way working for a community sailing center, open to those in need of a recreational activity that would not cost half their income. Yet years after Katrina he still needed work, and the club was calling. This is all from a guy with a Journalism degree, who decided after graduation that a captain’s license might get him a bit further in life…at least towards the water where his heart is happiest.

Life is never easy. There are no silver platters, unless you are a Kennedy. We all struggle…I struggle, you will struggle. If we let ourselves be overcome by burdens, then life is no fun. My best friend goes out and buys, buys, buys. Her husband makes enough for her to work as a beer cart girl three days a week at the local golf course. The other four days, where people like you and I are struggling to make some form of living, she’s out shopping or playing Beatles Rock Band. I realize, and have to keep reminding myself, that she and I are two different people. I would not be happy in her life. I have to define my life for me, and make myself as happy as possible with what life has given me. I’m not going to turn out like my mom and dad, I’m not going to be like my really smart [beloved] cousin, I’m not going to turn out like my friend…because I am me. And what will make me happy today is a million dollars – enough to get out of debt, buy a nice house on some great property, go sailing around the world, open an animal rescue shelter, have a really big garden...

Reality is, today I make very mediocre wages. I am still paying creditors twice as much as I borrowed. I barely own my own home…which technically I will not own for another 35 years. I have a happy family of dogs who love to walk with me every morning. I enjoy reading books to escape this reality for a while. I love to listen to music, to write, to kayak, to bike, to explore. Simple things to keep my sanity. I am burned out in my work, but I find ways to rejuvenate and keep on going. Capt and I get frustrated with one another, but we find ways to talk and rejuvenate our relationship.

I truly hope you are well, ma cousine. We really do have silver linings in our lives. Don’t make me come up there to help you find yours!

beaucoup d'amour,

Leigh