Empty Sac

Dear Leigh,

I don't know if my parents have told "the family," as I've asked, but I will tell you now: we lost the baby.  I went in for a routine appointment three weeks ago, and they couldn't find the heartbeat, so they did an ultrasound.  It showed an "empty gestational sac."  The heartbeat and the tiny embryo that had been there a few weeks earlier were gone.  I was devastated then, but felt as though I recovered quickly. Jeremiah, too, had some bad days, and then seemed okay.  But then I actually miscarried, this past Wednesday, which involved much of the same as labor--contractions, dilation, excruciating pain.  Since then, I have felt totally empty, in every way. It's gone... completely gone... confirmed by yet another scan.  Jeremiah, who did not have to go through the physical ordeal (which has left me exhausted and sore all over), is fine, emotionally, and doing a good job of being sympathetic and supportive.  Still, though, I feel quite alone.  I worry that that was our only chance at parenthood--that we'll never again be on the same page, since Jeremiah now wants to "figure out where we're going next" (after Morgantown), and I want to have X amount in the bank (this will be, no doubt, an expensive miscarriage, what with the ER visit and multiple ultrasounds).  I fear we'll find reason after reason not to try again, until it's too late.

It's not a good time to be thinking about it, regardless, but I can't help it.  Every cell of my body wants back what we lost.  Not only were we going to be parents; we were closer, we established a routine that kept the house together and kept us eating healthy, we were in love again like we'd just started dating.  All of that has evaporated, except the love, which has morphed into something deeper, but less joyful.

I don't know what to do with myself now.  I'd been making cloth diapers every weekend, and knitting a blanket, and making lists of names at every opportunity...

Just feeling empty, and a little lost, and a little alone.

Sorry to be such a downer... I hope you're doing well.

Love,
Kate