Thanksgiving

Dear Leigh,

A 3.9! That's great! I'm so excited for you to graduate. What an accomplishment.

I can't believe that they would pay you so little, with your experience, especially after you've earned your Master's. I'm sure the DC area can offer you more, even with the cost of living what it is. I'll admit that the growth in that area is a little appalling, but you know that growth means jobs, and there are jobs a-plenty there. It's also a convenient three and a half hour drive from Morgantown...

I hope you had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.  We just spent several days at my sister in-law's house. My mother- and father-in-law and their respective spouses live in the same town, so we were able to see everyone on that side of the family. I was proud of Jeremiah--he has very different ideas about food than his sister (he prefers less white flour, butter, and sugar, and more fresh vegetables), but this visit did a good job of thanking her for hosting and complimenting the food.  All-in-all, it was a pleasant time, with only one negative remark about my FIL from my MIL, and one negative remark about NPR from my FIL, and maybe two small disagreements between Jeremiah and my MIL and SIL, both regarding his granddad, who is, unfortunately, not doing all that well.  Compared to the previous two visits, it was very relaxing, indeed.  I was even able to eat, which I was worried about, since I'd been feeling so sick for a month prior. Still, I'm looking forward to being with my parents for an extended period of time around Christmas, when I think I'll be able to truly relax. I'm also planning to get together with my old friend from high school, whom I haven't seen in close to three years. She's going to be just two hours away from my parents' house, and since she's usually ten hours away, in St. Louis, I figure I should take advantage of our proximity.

I also heard over Thanksgiving that my brother has a couple job interviews. I wasn't sure companies would be hiring this time of year, but I am, again, feeling hopeful.  I am imagining my family together at Christmas, me and baby healthy, my brother employed, and everyone at peace.

I'll be thinking of you on the first, eighth, and fifteenth of December!  I know you'll do well.

Love,
Kate

P.S. I have the all-important (at least in my mind) 10 week midwife appointment on Tuesday.  I have been clenching my jaw as I sleep, I've made myself so anxious about it (it was the 10 week appointment when I learned I was going to miscarry, last time). It's becoming difficult to eat, my jaw is so sore... But hopefully that'll clear up Tuesday night. I'll let you know how the appointment goes.

Glee

Hey Kate!!

Not to mistake the title for the silly tv show, but oh my gosh!!  What news!  I'm so excited for you, and very hopeful as well...  My best wishes for this little bundle.  I have a good feeling for this little one, and send all my prayers his or her way for a successful and healthy delivery.  I confess, I did tell Molly, but I promise she can keep a secret.  I tell her everything.  As for Derek, I did tell him about Mike and Kate before my mom made the announcement, and I'm pleased to say he was able to keep the secret.  But I will NOT tell him about you, my word is my bond.  YAY....I'm so excited for you and your little "flutter."  :-)

Also, thank you for your encouraging beginning: I really hope to be moving north too... very much so.  I've been looking at the DC area.  Daniel has scoped the area too, and I'm secretly hoping he finds a job there too.  A familiar and friendly face would be much appreciated.  Plus we could room for the first year or so until we both become acclimated to the city.  Perhaps a bit of selfish reasons behind that, but more so excitement to be up around the family.

As for school and work down here...School first.  I'm in the throws of my capstone project.  It's due December 1st, then I present on the 8th, then graduation on the 15th.  I've decided not to walk, but I'm still planning on going.  One of my classmates got the same treatment as your brother, in that he was "screwed over" by the university.   I'm not happy about that, but I know he's planning on going to view the graduation, so I think I will sit with him.  Besides, it's just my mom coming down, and I'd like to sit with her rather than make her sit alone.  I am graduating with honors, so to speak, for a masters degree. If you'll excuse my little brag, but I'm graduating with a 3.9, so I'm proud that I can graduate as part of the honors society.  Just a little other tid bit to put on my resume.  

And work.  My best friend's wife and I got into an intense conversation about salaries.  She's got her bachelors in Social Work, and literally makes twice my salary, someone with a soon to be masters in the same field.  Anyhow, when I went to work that next Monday, I did do some soul searching and pay-stub review and depressingly saw just how little I earned.  I talked to my boss about it, and confided in her about the possibility of the pay raise promised with my degree.  She said I'd expect to get about $3,000 raise...which is pennies.  $250 a month, and still resulting in me being under $30,000 a year in take home.  Granted, I do get medical and dentist, but that doesn't really help me pay my rent and bills.  It's disgusting really.  

So...in transition, it's my motivation for leaving.  I do like my work, but it's sadly not worth the pay.  My ultimate plans are to resign Memorial Day weekend, so I can get to beach week, then have the month of June to move.  I've re-signed my lease for another 7 months, which is perfect in it's timing (lease ending the end of June) for my making my New Year's resolution to spruce up my resume, get my licensure process going for Virginia, and find a job.

Only bad part, my mom is still secretly hoping I move further south to Tampa or Daytona.  But my relationship with my brother is so strained at times, and the pay in Florida is so sad for Social Workers...  She'll come around.  

Well, I've babbled enough...reserving only a few lines for excitement for you.  But I'll end as I started, with Glee and joy and everything else for you.  I am so elated!  Congratulations!!

Much love, cuz!!

Leigh

My Goodness, Things Happen!

Dear Leigh,

When you wrote to me, you were planning a move to Virginia. Are you still? I hope so.

It's astonishing how things change in a few short weeks.  My brother was planning to relocate; now he's unemployed (his previous employer--how shall I put this delicately?--screwed him over). He's considering a return to school to study accounting.  My parents and I have been trying to help him with his job search, but unfortunately it's a very bad time of year to be looking for work. Companies accomplish almost nothing of note between November 15th and the new year.  I'm astonished that Congress has left its most important work until this point, for that very reason. Most of the FBI is out hunting this week, for instance.  I'm heading home early, because I can (and I'm so, so exhausted).

In addition, I studied for and passed the CAPM exam (Certified Associate in Project Management), which proves that I know the generally accepted project management processes and have some project management experience, to boot.  Unfortunately, they don't seem to be about to hand me the raise or promotion I had hoped for.  But then, it has only been a week.

Then, last night, my mom told me that Mike's Kate is pregnant, and due in June! And still planning on coming to beach week?? It kind of floored me, because--and you are to tell nobody, not even Mike or Derek or your animals --I'm also pregnant (again), and due in June.  June 23rd.  Not sure about beach week (will depend on the advice of my midwife). We have told basically nobody, this time, for obvious reasons. My parents don't even know. My mom was just so sad, last time, when we lost it... Including you, 4 people know, all of whom are my close friends and who guessed, anyway.  Otherwise, I was trying to keep it a secret until at least week 12 (this is week 9 and 2 days, and it's getting difficult to hold it in, as you see).

This, naturally, changes our plans regarding the Master's in Library and Information Science.  We'll probably hang out here for another year, since I'm doing well professionally.  It's funny... we tried for months and months last time, with disastrous results.  This time, we tried once or twice, then precisely when I changed my mind and decided I should really go back to school, I learned I was pregnant. So, because of that, and the miscarriage over the summer, it's been hard to feel at all excited.  I also feel crappy all the time, which has a way of muting my excitement.  Last night, however, I felt this little buzz, or flutter, or something down in my abdomen, and had a surge of hope for the future. So, if all goes well, you'll be an Aunt x 2 in June.  If not, c'est la vie, and we'll become cat hoarders.

But back to you.  When is your big graduation day, and what kinds of opportunities will be available to you with your new degree?

Write soon.

Love,
Kate

P.S. - Again, tell no one! We'll probably share with the wider world somewhere around week 14.

Timely Transitions

Hey Kate,            

At times when I stop for a moment and reflect on the actual date and time of my present life, I am never ceased by amazement at how time has flown in my life.  Short term and long term:  I find it hard to believe it is already October - It feels like only yesterday I was flying from a New Year's party in Destin with my brother, his wife (they've actually been MARRIED for two years now...), my mom, and my neighbor to Pensacola (dropping the crew off in Navarre- mid way point) in order to pick up one of my teen clients from the bus station.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, having this teen's bus departure and pick up in Pensacola, as I was still frequently in the Pensacola area.  But, the darling child thought to come home early from his trip, thus requiring me to amend my New Year's festivities.  Needless to say, I was grumpy.  I was actually pushing for our little party to celebrate in Pensacola - the city having a street festival, complete with live music, fireworks, and a "Pelican Drop," (think NYC-esque). BUT my brother thought it would be a better idea to be on the "guest list" for his friends band at a club, two hours away from Pensacola...it wasn't.  It was a very dead show since everyone in their right mind was out looking for New Year's fireworks...

Further back, I remember my last visit with you in West Virginia and cannot believe it was during a time when dad was still alive.  I am still thunder struck that it will have been two years this December.  I remember my first semester in college -If I remember correctly, it concluded that same year as dad passed.  The summer before the said semester was the summer I came to visit ya'll.  And in those two and a half years:  Losing a job, starting a new career, losing my house, gaining a pretty cool apartment (location, not layout), friends coming and going.  It's been an interesting transition. 

I sometimes feel we are all in some form of transition.  The future is not so far off, but it is not here yet... 

I hope I can explain that -

Derek is finishing up his school and training.  John is looking at a possible relocation.  You and Jeremiah are contemplating where to move once he is finished with school (when is that by the way?).  And Daniel is in your same boat - looking to go towards work following his graduation.  I've plotted with Daniel, and we are toying with the idea of going to DC together.  Derek, too, has been hospitable in offering me a space to stay if I find something in that neck of the woods.  I've also threatened John with raining on his parade if something pops up in Richmond.  But for specifics, I do plan to make a move to Virginia come June.  I've just extended my lease 7 months an aim to quit my job by the end of May - leaving me time to hit Beach Week and then pack up my belongings and go.  Mom is supportive of the idea, as she is actually contemplating Tennessee, where her sister has recently moved

.

I agree with you - the idea of being within a short afternoon's drive from those with whom I love to visit - having an afternoon lunch - a weekend hang about - Plus, I love Virginia.  I look forward to the idea of simply exploring the state and all she has to offer...from mountains to beaches, history to current events...

All plans still quite a ways away, but here before I'll know it.

I am never ceased amazement at how fast time seems to fly.

Love,

Leigh

PS... You may have to explain to me what CAPM and MLIS duties entail.... and I'll next time explain LCSW and why I need to wait until I've moved before I can even begin to do my tests and supervisions....

Winter is coming, isn't it?

Dear Leigh,

Thanks for writing back. I'm doing much, much better now--it took me about a month, I'd say, to feel like my old self again. I talked to a counselor, in the end, and that was actually the point at which I felt better. It was nice to talk to someone who had absolutely no expectations of me, and whose own emotional state I wasn't worried about. She helped me realize that I was still feeling so low because I felt, sometimes, as though other people had moved on very quickly and could act like it had all never happened, which was certainly not how it was for me. Somehow, pinpointing what was bothering me helped it not bother me anymore. I'm still a little embarrassed, however, about how excited we were when we (unbeknownst to us) had nothing to be excited about.

In the wake of all of that, I decided to become a Certified Associate Project Manager (CAPM)--been studying for the exam for a couple months, now, and plan to take it this November, and I'm also going to try to apply to some MLIS programs, though doing that AND the CAPM in the same Fall might be too much for me. We'll see. So, I'm studying, rehearsing with a couple of quartets for a concert in October, and working... It seems that I don't sink into long-term depression too easily, but instead have renewed energy, once I snap out of it.

It does sound as though you could use a change, though a move up here would come with its own difficulties.  Still, there's much to be said for living close to extended family.  We feel rather isolated here in West Virginia, sometimes, and so are looking at moving back to Virginia, as well. I would love to be near my parents, and be able to join them when they meet Aunt Brenda, Uncle Michael, Aunt Mary Ann, Uncle Mike, and Derek for lunch.  My brother, too, might be facing a move to Richmond due to work, so we'd all be clustered within a few hours' drive of each other.

If you can get to Virginia in December, I might (and hope I would) be able to get there, too.  I, like your mother, would worry about you on the WV roads in winter.  The winters here are worse than in VA, and have kept us from traveling many a time. A couple inches of snow can make the highways through the mountains treacherous, regardless of the direction from which you are coming.   Of course, if the weather is clear and you are in the mood for a visit, I'd be excited to see you. We have a guest room, now, with a real guest bed, so you wouldn't be relegated to an air mattress on the floor, and the bakery downstairs has delicious coffee and scones (and pizza, too, and bread, and biscotti... it's amazing we're not fat yet).

I hope you're not too bothered by your mother's teasing.  You're young, active, educated (even more educated, officially, soon), and in the enviable position of not being too tied to one area--you could go pretty much anywhere you want! There's no end of possibilities.

Should get back to work (I'm staying late, so I don't feel too bad about using down time to write to you).

Love,
Kate

It's been too long - forgive me.

Hey Kate.

It's been a while.  I know, I've been a neglectful cousin.   You wrote me in July bearing your soul, and I continued on my daily routine unsure of how or what to respond.  Even when the news was offered, by Derek actually, I vowed to call, to send a card, to plot a visit.  But nothing.  I can't imagine that feeling of hosting life only to lose it.  

I could offer the age old canned sympathies "It'll get better, keep your head up..."  blah, blah, blah

Or the medical frankness: "It's ok, first time pregnancies are often..." blah, blah, blah. 

I may even go the enlightened path: "Well, maybe now is not the right karmic time..."  blah, blah, blah.

After experiencing way too much loss in my life, my best advice:  It sucks, I know - trust me.  Different loss, but loss all the same.  Normalcy?  Ha, what's that?  Whatever it was for me before this devastation will never be the same again.  So now another whole new adjustment.  Transitioning to a new routine, a new sense of normalcy, a new definition of the way life should be. 

And yet the changes never stop coming.

For people of our genes who like a bit of routine in order to have that bit of order, the realities of life seem unfair.  Like a cruel joke at best.  But... I refuse to be laughed at.  I wouldn't be who I am today if I gave in to life's little pranks.  So, here's my real advice:

Donate your cloth diapers.  Keep knitting your blanket...it will be used one day.  Keep your mind open and fresh to those names.  Just because this little heartbeat didn't make it to term will never mean you were not meant to be a mother.  One circumstance does not make a whole.   Whenever the time is right for you and Jeremiah to parent children, in whatever shape, manner or form...it will be right.   The path in that direction may not be easiest - you may suffer another miscarriage - God forbid - but your determination to be a mother will win through.  Just keep your mind WIDE open to the multitude of possibilities, as well as patient for accepting the right time. 

Take it from the 33 year old whose mother recently referred to as her  "spinster daughter."  

I was not amused to her tease.

The future will happen soon enough.  I love you bunches and miss the dickens out of you.  (The dickens, now what the heck does that mean??)   Speaking of future:  In December I'm plotting a venture to Virginia to get the hell out of dodge.  I graduate the 15th, an plan to celebrate with those I hold most dear.  I told mom I wanted to go to West Virginia, but she did not trust my driving capabilities on WV winter roads...  But, none the less, one reason for my venture is to scope the area with the plot to relocate.  I love Florida, but I'm ready to be closer to family...I love my mother and my brother, but it's odd sometimes how I feel more connected to family when around you guys up yonder.  I feel alone down here.  And it has gotten worse over the past year; after I moved out to the island and all my friends are at least 30 minutes away.  I've come to realize it's time for a change.  I want to be near my roots.  I want to have the ability to take a weekend trip to see my cousin to watch "Cloud Atlas" in theaters (I'm re-reading the book in anticipation).  I want to watch football, have a beer, simply spend a weekend with my cousins, my family.  So, now you and Derek are the only two with the know of my evil plots and plans....  :)

Anywho.  I hope this helps some.  I know the feelings of loneliness /  being alone, without being a complete depressive...  perhaps both our futures will hold a more acceptable convenience for visitation and  consolation.  Better, even, than words written on a page.

My love to you cousin,

I hope this finds you in healthier spirits...It better anyway, it's been many a month!!!

Peace and Love,

Leigh

PS...in your honor (sort of...)

My co-worker is from West Virginia.  We watch WVU football almost every weekend it is televised down here.  But I warned her that when V. Tech plays WVU, my loyalties go with the Hokies.  I may need that shirt after all!

Empty Sac

Dear Leigh,

I don't know if my parents have told "the family," as I've asked, but I will tell you now: we lost the baby.  I went in for a routine appointment three weeks ago, and they couldn't find the heartbeat, so they did an ultrasound.  It showed an "empty gestational sac."  The heartbeat and the tiny embryo that had been there a few weeks earlier were gone.  I was devastated then, but felt as though I recovered quickly. Jeremiah, too, had some bad days, and then seemed okay.  But then I actually miscarried, this past Wednesday, which involved much of the same as labor--contractions, dilation, excruciating pain.  Since then, I have felt totally empty, in every way. It's gone... completely gone... confirmed by yet another scan.  Jeremiah, who did not have to go through the physical ordeal (which has left me exhausted and sore all over), is fine, emotionally, and doing a good job of being sympathetic and supportive.  Still, though, I feel quite alone.  I worry that that was our only chance at parenthood--that we'll never again be on the same page, since Jeremiah now wants to "figure out where we're going next" (after Morgantown), and I want to have X amount in the bank (this will be, no doubt, an expensive miscarriage, what with the ER visit and multiple ultrasounds).  I fear we'll find reason after reason not to try again, until it's too late.

It's not a good time to be thinking about it, regardless, but I can't help it.  Every cell of my body wants back what we lost.  Not only were we going to be parents; we were closer, we established a routine that kept the house together and kept us eating healthy, we were in love again like we'd just started dating.  All of that has evaporated, except the love, which has morphed into something deeper, but less joyful.

I don't know what to do with myself now.  I'd been making cloth diapers every weekend, and knitting a blanket, and making lists of names at every opportunity...

Just feeling empty, and a little lost, and a little alone.

Sorry to be such a downer... I hope you're doing well.

Love,
Kate

Ice Cream for Dinner

Dear Leigh,

I kept putting off writing to you until I "have more energy," but I realized that could leave you waiting for quite a while, so I figured I'd write a quick post tonight.

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed in our beach week--not in the company (except for missing Derek), or in the location, but in myself.  It seemed as though I napped my way through, and had little to nothing to say.  Life is very predictable, and I'm enjoying it, but it doesn't leave me with stories.  I guess I did go to England for a week, but somehow it didn't cross my mind to bring that up (til now).

Of course, I'm napping my way through evenings and weekends back in West Virginia, too, and frustrating Jeremiah because I can't bring myself to eat broccoli but I have no problem eating ice cream or baby back ribs. It tears at his health-food-loving soul.  Hopefully broccoli will taste good again in a few weeks.

It's difficult to believe I'm pregnant, after the year I had.  I'm glad I left my old gynecologist, because it seems that everything they told me was wrong.  Of course, we thought they might be right, and thus thought it would take a smidgen longer to get me knocked up... but a few months won't really make a difference.  Jeremiah will have a more interesting final semester than he bargained for--that's all.  And I got my big trip to England with my girlfriends in, before I couldn't justify spending that kind of money on something frivolous.  I do wish they were going to be around for my pregnancy, though.  All of my closest friends live at least 5 hours away, and the one good friend I've made here is freaked out by pregnant people and hates babies, and so refers to this whole thing as the "countdown to the end of our friendship."  She's only 20 percent joking.

Anyway, I did finish that book--"Never Let Me Go."  I had hoped for some sort of change in the circumstances of the main character, but she's awfully complacent about being bred to provide organs for uncloned people.  Apart from her and Tom's attempt to have a few years together because they're in love, that is, but even that smacked of complacency.  A few years?  Why not a lifetime?

I'm about to start reading "Out Stealing Horses."I admit, I chose it because I liked the title.

I hope you're doing well.

Love,
Kate