Hey Kate.
It's been a while. I know, I've been a neglectful cousin. You
wrote me in July bearing your soul, and I continued on my daily routine unsure
of how or what to respond. Even when the
news was offered, by Derek actually, I vowed to call, to send a card, to plot a
visit. But nothing. I can't imagine that feeling of hosting life
only to lose it.
I could offer the age
old canned sympathies "It'll get better, keep your head up..." blah, blah, blah
Or the medical frankness: "It's ok, first time pregnancies are often..." blah,
blah, blah.
I may even go the
enlightened path: "Well, maybe now is not the right karmic time..." blah, blah, blah.
After experiencing way too much loss in my life, my best
advice: It sucks, I know - trust
me. Different loss, but loss all the
same. Normalcy? Ha, what's that? Whatever it was for me before this devastation
will never be the same again. So now
another whole new adjustment. Transitioning
to a new routine, a new sense of normalcy, a new definition of the way life
should be.
And yet the changes never stop coming.
For people of our genes who like a bit of routine in
order to have that bit of order, the realities of life seem unfair. Like a cruel joke at best. But... I refuse to be laughed at. I wouldn't be who I am today if I gave in to
life's little pranks. So, here's my real
advice:
Donate your cloth diapers. Keep knitting your blanket...it will be used
one day. Keep your mind open and fresh
to those names. Just because this little
heartbeat didn't make it to term will never mean you were not meant to be
a mother. One circumstance does not make
a whole. Whenever the time is right for you and Jeremiah
to parent children, in whatever shape, manner or form...it will be right. The path in that direction may not be easiest -
you may suffer another miscarriage - God forbid - but your determination to be
a mother will win through. Just keep
your mind WIDE open to the multitude of possibilities, as well as patient for
accepting the right time.
Take it from the 33 year old whose mother recently
referred to as her "spinster
daughter."
I was not amused to her
tease.
The future will happen soon enough. I love you bunches and miss the dickens out
of you. (The dickens, now what the heck
does that mean??) Speaking of
future: In December I'm plotting a
venture to Virginia to get the hell out of dodge. I graduate the 15th, an plan to celebrate
with those I hold most dear. I told mom
I wanted to go to West Virginia, but she did not trust my driving capabilities
on WV winter roads... But, none the
less, one reason for my venture is to scope the area with the plot to relocate. I love Florida, but I'm ready to be closer to
family...I love my mother and my brother, but it's odd sometimes how I feel
more connected to family when around you guys up yonder. I feel alone down here. And it has gotten worse over the past year; after I moved out to the island and all my friends are at least 30 minutes away. I've come to realize it's time for a
change. I want to be near my roots. I want to have the ability to take a weekend
trip to see my cousin to watch "Cloud Atlas" in theaters (I'm
re-reading the book in anticipation). I
want to watch football, have a beer, simply spend a weekend with my cousins, my
family. So, now you and Derek are the
only two with the know of my evil plots and plans.... :)
Anywho. I hope
this helps some. I know the feelings of loneliness
/ being alone, without being a complete
depressive... perhaps both our futures
will hold a more acceptable convenience for visitation and consolation.
Better, even, than words written on a page.
My love to you cousin,
I hope this finds you in healthier spirits...It better
anyway, it's been many a month!!!
Peace and Love,
Leigh
PS...in your honor (sort of...)
My co-worker is from West
Virginia. We watch WVU football almost
every weekend it is televised down here. But I
warned her that when V. Tech plays WVU, my loyalties go with the Hokies. I may need that shirt after all!
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