Timely Transitions

Hey Kate,            

At times when I stop for a moment and reflect on the actual date and time of my present life, I am never ceased by amazement at how time has flown in my life.  Short term and long term:  I find it hard to believe it is already October - It feels like only yesterday I was flying from a New Year's party in Destin with my brother, his wife (they've actually been MARRIED for two years now...), my mom, and my neighbor to Pensacola (dropping the crew off in Navarre- mid way point) in order to pick up one of my teen clients from the bus station.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, having this teen's bus departure and pick up in Pensacola, as I was still frequently in the Pensacola area.  But, the darling child thought to come home early from his trip, thus requiring me to amend my New Year's festivities.  Needless to say, I was grumpy.  I was actually pushing for our little party to celebrate in Pensacola - the city having a street festival, complete with live music, fireworks, and a "Pelican Drop," (think NYC-esque). BUT my brother thought it would be a better idea to be on the "guest list" for his friends band at a club, two hours away from Pensacola...it wasn't.  It was a very dead show since everyone in their right mind was out looking for New Year's fireworks...

Further back, I remember my last visit with you in West Virginia and cannot believe it was during a time when dad was still alive.  I am still thunder struck that it will have been two years this December.  I remember my first semester in college -If I remember correctly, it concluded that same year as dad passed.  The summer before the said semester was the summer I came to visit ya'll.  And in those two and a half years:  Losing a job, starting a new career, losing my house, gaining a pretty cool apartment (location, not layout), friends coming and going.  It's been an interesting transition. 

I sometimes feel we are all in some form of transition.  The future is not so far off, but it is not here yet... 

I hope I can explain that -

Derek is finishing up his school and training.  John is looking at a possible relocation.  You and Jeremiah are contemplating where to move once he is finished with school (when is that by the way?).  And Daniel is in your same boat - looking to go towards work following his graduation.  I've plotted with Daniel, and we are toying with the idea of going to DC together.  Derek, too, has been hospitable in offering me a space to stay if I find something in that neck of the woods.  I've also threatened John with raining on his parade if something pops up in Richmond.  But for specifics, I do plan to make a move to Virginia come June.  I've just extended my lease 7 months an aim to quit my job by the end of May - leaving me time to hit Beach Week and then pack up my belongings and go.  Mom is supportive of the idea, as she is actually contemplating Tennessee, where her sister has recently moved

.

I agree with you - the idea of being within a short afternoon's drive from those with whom I love to visit - having an afternoon lunch - a weekend hang about - Plus, I love Virginia.  I look forward to the idea of simply exploring the state and all she has to offer...from mountains to beaches, history to current events...

All plans still quite a ways away, but here before I'll know it.

I am never ceased amazement at how fast time seems to fly.

Love,

Leigh

PS... You may have to explain to me what CAPM and MLIS duties entail.... and I'll next time explain LCSW and why I need to wait until I've moved before I can even begin to do my tests and supervisions....

Winter is coming, isn't it?

Dear Leigh,

Thanks for writing back. I'm doing much, much better now--it took me about a month, I'd say, to feel like my old self again. I talked to a counselor, in the end, and that was actually the point at which I felt better. It was nice to talk to someone who had absolutely no expectations of me, and whose own emotional state I wasn't worried about. She helped me realize that I was still feeling so low because I felt, sometimes, as though other people had moved on very quickly and could act like it had all never happened, which was certainly not how it was for me. Somehow, pinpointing what was bothering me helped it not bother me anymore. I'm still a little embarrassed, however, about how excited we were when we (unbeknownst to us) had nothing to be excited about.

In the wake of all of that, I decided to become a Certified Associate Project Manager (CAPM)--been studying for the exam for a couple months, now, and plan to take it this November, and I'm also going to try to apply to some MLIS programs, though doing that AND the CAPM in the same Fall might be too much for me. We'll see. So, I'm studying, rehearsing with a couple of quartets for a concert in October, and working... It seems that I don't sink into long-term depression too easily, but instead have renewed energy, once I snap out of it.

It does sound as though you could use a change, though a move up here would come with its own difficulties.  Still, there's much to be said for living close to extended family.  We feel rather isolated here in West Virginia, sometimes, and so are looking at moving back to Virginia, as well. I would love to be near my parents, and be able to join them when they meet Aunt Brenda, Uncle Michael, Aunt Mary Ann, Uncle Mike, and Derek for lunch.  My brother, too, might be facing a move to Richmond due to work, so we'd all be clustered within a few hours' drive of each other.

If you can get to Virginia in December, I might (and hope I would) be able to get there, too.  I, like your mother, would worry about you on the WV roads in winter.  The winters here are worse than in VA, and have kept us from traveling many a time. A couple inches of snow can make the highways through the mountains treacherous, regardless of the direction from which you are coming.   Of course, if the weather is clear and you are in the mood for a visit, I'd be excited to see you. We have a guest room, now, with a real guest bed, so you wouldn't be relegated to an air mattress on the floor, and the bakery downstairs has delicious coffee and scones (and pizza, too, and bread, and biscotti... it's amazing we're not fat yet).

I hope you're not too bothered by your mother's teasing.  You're young, active, educated (even more educated, officially, soon), and in the enviable position of not being too tied to one area--you could go pretty much anywhere you want! There's no end of possibilities.

Should get back to work (I'm staying late, so I don't feel too bad about using down time to write to you).

Love,
Kate

It's been too long - forgive me.

Hey Kate.

It's been a while.  I know, I've been a neglectful cousin.   You wrote me in July bearing your soul, and I continued on my daily routine unsure of how or what to respond.  Even when the news was offered, by Derek actually, I vowed to call, to send a card, to plot a visit.  But nothing.  I can't imagine that feeling of hosting life only to lose it.  

I could offer the age old canned sympathies "It'll get better, keep your head up..."  blah, blah, blah

Or the medical frankness: "It's ok, first time pregnancies are often..." blah, blah, blah. 

I may even go the enlightened path: "Well, maybe now is not the right karmic time..."  blah, blah, blah.

After experiencing way too much loss in my life, my best advice:  It sucks, I know - trust me.  Different loss, but loss all the same.  Normalcy?  Ha, what's that?  Whatever it was for me before this devastation will never be the same again.  So now another whole new adjustment.  Transitioning to a new routine, a new sense of normalcy, a new definition of the way life should be. 

And yet the changes never stop coming.

For people of our genes who like a bit of routine in order to have that bit of order, the realities of life seem unfair.  Like a cruel joke at best.  But... I refuse to be laughed at.  I wouldn't be who I am today if I gave in to life's little pranks.  So, here's my real advice:

Donate your cloth diapers.  Keep knitting your blanket...it will be used one day.  Keep your mind open and fresh to those names.  Just because this little heartbeat didn't make it to term will never mean you were not meant to be a mother.  One circumstance does not make a whole.   Whenever the time is right for you and Jeremiah to parent children, in whatever shape, manner or form...it will be right.   The path in that direction may not be easiest - you may suffer another miscarriage - God forbid - but your determination to be a mother will win through.  Just keep your mind WIDE open to the multitude of possibilities, as well as patient for accepting the right time. 

Take it from the 33 year old whose mother recently referred to as her  "spinster daughter."  

I was not amused to her tease.

The future will happen soon enough.  I love you bunches and miss the dickens out of you.  (The dickens, now what the heck does that mean??)   Speaking of future:  In December I'm plotting a venture to Virginia to get the hell out of dodge.  I graduate the 15th, an plan to celebrate with those I hold most dear.  I told mom I wanted to go to West Virginia, but she did not trust my driving capabilities on WV winter roads...  But, none the less, one reason for my venture is to scope the area with the plot to relocate.  I love Florida, but I'm ready to be closer to family...I love my mother and my brother, but it's odd sometimes how I feel more connected to family when around you guys up yonder.  I feel alone down here.  And it has gotten worse over the past year; after I moved out to the island and all my friends are at least 30 minutes away.  I've come to realize it's time for a change.  I want to be near my roots.  I want to have the ability to take a weekend trip to see my cousin to watch "Cloud Atlas" in theaters (I'm re-reading the book in anticipation).  I want to watch football, have a beer, simply spend a weekend with my cousins, my family.  So, now you and Derek are the only two with the know of my evil plots and plans....  :)

Anywho.  I hope this helps some.  I know the feelings of loneliness /  being alone, without being a complete depressive...  perhaps both our futures will hold a more acceptable convenience for visitation and  consolation.  Better, even, than words written on a page.

My love to you cousin,

I hope this finds you in healthier spirits...It better anyway, it's been many a month!!!

Peace and Love,

Leigh

PS...in your honor (sort of...)

My co-worker is from West Virginia.  We watch WVU football almost every weekend it is televised down here.  But I warned her that when V. Tech plays WVU, my loyalties go with the Hokies.  I may need that shirt after all!