a lament

Dear Kate,

The other night, Sunday night, I was sitting in my back yard and for the first time, could smell the oil. Like a cancer in our gulf, this oil crisis has hit hard on my heart. Granted, the winds were from the south carrying the scent of the sheen, still ten miles away. Today, the wind is blowing from the north, pushing the mess into the Gulf Stream and again away from our coast. Yet, daily, “tar balls” wash on shore, leaving it littered with little brown globs. The beach looks like a very large pack of wild dogs were let loose on the sands to poop.

Another story, if you can bear with me:

Once upon a time, a young man went to England to study. He fell in love, but once his studies were over, he returned to the States, leaving his love behind. He eventually married. Over time, his wife became sick and he was left a widower. Perhaps influenced by loneliness, he sought out a love of his past, re connecting communication after years of separation. His love in England too had married, had started a family, and eventually too widowed. He traveled to England and brought his first love back to the States as his wife, her grown daughters remaining overseas. This story ended happily enough, until she too became sick. Rather than loosing in love twice, they chose to end in a Harry Crosby, Josephine Rotch fashion, ending their lives together with a bullet rather than suffer the pains of illness and loneliness.

These two were members of our church. Mixed emotions regarding their departure fly. And my heart is heavy when I think of them.

My dad is doing well, yet I hear in his voice a new weakness. I see in his emails a confusion of words from a once well written man. His mind can no longer read, nor really understand the strings of words he tries to read. I worry over his treatments. He has had a port installed, which is supposed to be a good thing, but still makes me squirm. He has restarted Radiation, and gets two hour doses of Chemo pumped in his port thingy every two weeks. I remember vividly his last bout with Chemo, and it was far from comforting. He has had his first Chemo dose, and as of this writing, no severe side affects, which is good. But like the oil in the gulf, it is not so much a matter of if, but when.

I feel like David when he cries out in the book of Psalms. Woe unto the depths of my heart!

The hand in hand feeling with these woes is that feeling of solitude. I feel isolated. I wonder why I have to be strong all the time. When can I be weak for just a moment and trust all will be ok? Whose hand can I hold as I stand up to face the storms in my life, the reassuring hand helping me remember that this too shall pass? Where is that someone whom I can trust will be there when it’s time to clean up from this mess?

I spoke to before about Capt’s bitch, bitch, bitch. Well, he still does. Bitches about work. Bitches about his teens, bitches about their mothers, bitches about his doctor. Then, when I cry out my woes, he listens, and claims them as his own. Let me ensure I am clear on this, he does not lift the burden from me or console (if you will), but rather, in a weird sense, steals them from me for his own personal pity party. I hear him, on the phone to his mother, to his brother, to his friends in Savannah, Arizona, Puerto Rico, to his friend’s mothers…you catch my drift…he is on the phone to anyone who will listen, “Woe is me for this family from my church” “Woe is me for the oil in the Gulf” “Woe is me for my girlfriend’s dad.” The man is ALWAYS on the phone (yet to me he claims he has no friends?), and always COMPLAINS!! I sometimes wonder if he breathes between sentences….

Ugh.

Still my guitar gently weeps.

This morning I woke to the capt telling me what great news it is that the Gulf Stream is pushing this oil away. But as one who sees the forest…I cannot rejoice. The damage is done. I am seeing the repercussions everywhere I turn, in the death of our wild life. In the loss to the jobs in Louisiana. To the shoring of our fishing boats. To the pending destruction in the Keys. To the far reaching tendrils of this cancer in the water. And what breaks my heart is that it was caused by man.

And my dad’s situation wears heavy on my heart for the opposite reason: his cancer was NOT caused by “man” (in terms of un-healthy habits).

Ma Cousine, I need a vacation. I have the dates. I leave here July 2^nd and do not have to be back until July 9^th. There are plans for my parents, and I am hoping that there are still plans for West Virginia. I would like to come see you and your new husband over 4^th of July weekend (me coming on Friday, leaving on Monday), if possible. Let me know. I promise I will not be a kill joy. Leaving the negativity of my relationship for a while will put that optimism back into my spirit. Plus, getting to be around family is always remedy for a sad, sad song!

A final tidbit, as my letter is really too long already… but to prove there is good in life:

I did apply for grad school. I am looking at starting a part time, Masters in Social Work program this fall. I dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s and now simply wait for that confirmation. A discussion with the head of the department put great confidence and reinforcement in my decision. So, we shall see.

All is well, ma cousine. Though I grumble, and the time is grey just the now, I know there are sunny skies. The oil spill is a disaster, but life must continue to push on, somehow. I just weep for those who cannot escape the blob. My prayers to the dolphins, sea turtles, fish, pelicans, herons, shell fish, humans and any other creature trapped by these globs of poisoned goo.

Paix,

Leigh

waxing introspective toward the end...sorry...

Dear Leigh,

I'm writing to you from a slightly more stable place than last time. I interviewed for a job, which I think I can have if I want it. Sadly, it's part-time and would pay 1,000 per month without benefits, but when J and I are splitting 700 per month rent, that's enough to live on (though I plan to find other part-time work). The important thing to me is that the job seems interesting! Transcribing college lectures for the deaf and hard of hearing in real time (though I'd edit my transcription and send the students notes later).

Part of me thinks "wait and see if an actual teaching job comes along," but the rest of me realizes that I have more credit card debt than money in the bank right now, and my credit card debt is VERY low. I will go to the final interview in June, and I will probably take this job.

We've also found a place to live (if you hadn't figured that out from fb and my reference to rent) and have decided to move the weekend before beach week. It was a tough decision...that beach week could be time J could work more at his job in Blacksburg, but it's time with family that we won't get back... and money is just money. We can eat ramen and, if necessary, borrow from a bank or my parents (whose interest rate would be much lower). We plan to sell or pawn a lot, too.

So, in light of these plans, it would probably be best if you planned on stopping in Morgantown, WV for the 4th of July or sometime thereabouts. It is the same distance from St. Louis as Blacksburg, but I'm afraid it's a few hours further away from Pensacola. I'd understand if that kept you from wanting to stop by, but I'll be very excited if you decide to visit.

It's interesting... You mentioned in your last post that I have some optimism, and it reminded me of an old journal entry I read a day or so ago from the era of "woe-is-me-my-life-is-so-much-harder-than-anybody-else's." In that entry, I said that I had some sort of "indestructible optimism," because despite my depression I never despaired. I never thought that I wouldn't ever be happy on a daily basis or that life wouldn't be great (and, looking back, I realize that life was always great, excepting a few moments of pain). Jeremiah, too, has said that, even though I seemed to be into self-destructive behaviors when we first met, it also seemed to him that it was a front... I never went so far as to actually get in trouble, and despite my partying I maintained near perfection when it came to school. I'm so glad he liked who I was back then, anyway.

Not too long ago, I would have described myself as a pessismist, but I'm not. I have moments of pessimism, but at those times Jeremiah plays the role of the optimist (most of the time I play that role for him). I also found a quote that I stole from an old professor of mine: "nothing can complete you, because you weren't a half-person to begin with." I found it comforting at the time, and still do, though now my feeling of incompleteness stems from professional and not romantic desires.

A few months ago, Jeremiah would often come home moaning about how he hated his job. "so look for a new one," I said. He said "I can't work anywhere with a BA in Creative Writing." Well, I looked FOR him, and found plenty he was qualified for... Still, he never applied, and continued hating his job. Luckily he got over it and applied to graduate programs, but it frustrated me at the time... I don't understand settling. I'll take a job I don't like in order to pay the bills, but you can bet I'll be searching for something else every evening when I get off work. I was rather harsh, at the time, and told him I thought he must get something out of hating his job, otherwise he wouldn't ignore the job ads I sent his way. Interestingly, he agreed...but I still don't know what exactly it was that he got out of it. Some people are just that way, I guess. I hope the captain and Mike get out of their job-hating funks. Those funks are contagious... well, Jeremiah's was, anyway.

I hope you are enjoying yourself and staying oil-free. What messes we make of a perfectly good world.

Love,
Kate

Fireworks

Dear Kate,

Life sounds exciting and a bit nerve wracking for you! Life is moving for you, slowly at times and at the speed of light the other times. I am very excited for your move. Though you have been in Blacksburg for many years, and it feels like home to you, it is good to spread your wings. Of course, this comes from someone who has lived in the same place for the past 10 years (20 if you count my time in Panama City). In my own defense, I did leave the part of town that was centered around the university to be closer to the heart of Pensacola, the place my own heart loves most about this little big town.

Yet, I often feel in that limbo…do I stay or do I move?

As I was walking around my yard the other day, I noticed the irises, which I planted two years ago, are finally blooming. My garden box is re-growing dormant perennials. The strawberries, which didn’t produce last year, are in abundance this year. After a very hard winter, I had to pull many of my plants out of the ground, dead from the cold. But I replaced them with sprouting trees which survived the winter in my sleeping garden box.

I truly felt at home. I often feel lost on my own mental adventure when I’m putting my hands in the dirt of my yard. The other day, the Capt was sick with a migraine. My hopes of going kayaking were partially dashed. Then I realized, I really didn’t need him to hold my hand to go for a paddle. So I tested my ability and shoved my little green kayak in my car – then did a quick jig because it fit perfectly. I went kayaking…by myself…and it was amazing. Again, I was lost in my own little mental adventure on the bayou.

I guess I have been trying to live the metaphor of making lemonade from the lemons (though I think I’d prefer margaritas from the key limes). I have really focused on my own personal change of attitude. And sadly, it has caused me to open my eyes in recognition of the capt’s sour attitude about everything in life. He complains ALL THE TIME!! I won’t digress on this, I’m not ready to delve into his topic today. What I will say is that I do understand we all have our gripes and needs of venting (and I am glad to offer an ear when frustrations need releasing); however, when the topic is constantly bitch, bitch, bitch, about work, work, work…well, it does get old.

At the same time, I understand your feelings about the frustrations with even finding a job. I know there is a terrible market out there. I also know we are of the same mentality, one which will find us dedicated to the task at hand, accepting anything with an income…at least until the better opportunity comes to focus. Folks like my brother will take the first thing across his plate, settle for the income, then complain about how much he hates his job. Reflecting on an earlier conversation with him, I asked why he wasn’t looking for something different. With the flow of excuses that poured from his mouth, I knew he was not out searching…he is of the type that wants the good life to fall in his lap. I think the capt is like this also…the good life has got to nip you in the bud before you realize it was there the whole time.

I’m sorry you are struggling to find a job. But I believe you to have a source of optimism tucked away. I may be completely off, but I don’t think I am. I think J. has helped you open your little treasure cache of good will. I saw it in your last letter. I saw it when we were all last together in North Carolina. And I look forward to seeing it this summer. As for my little relationship…I care very much for the capt, and hope my enthusiasm for life and it’s small daily adventures will soothe his corrupted little heart! (sarcasm…)

So, as for me…I have taken the bull by the horns, so to speak. I want travel back in my life, and will seek any opportunity with or without the capt. We are both truly fine with this, I would hope for him to jump on adventure regardless of my availability. I pray that at times our comings and goings will coincide, and when they don’t, as I said earlier, I don’t need him to hold my hand (though it is a nice additive).

I’m going on a road trip. My two main areas of visit include the newly weds and my parents. My window of opportunity is the 28^th of June through the 7^th ish of July. I would love to help you and J in your move, and I would love to spend an old fashioned Fourth of July either is some small West Virginia town, or along the banks of the Mississippi River. I don’t know why I love fireworks, I hate the noise of them…but I love good ol’ Fourth of July festivities.

So I leave it with this: I am flexible with my car. I can visit mom and dad first, then come your way for the Fouth, or vise versa. Let me know when I would be of most help and of least burden to you.

Paix, ma Cousine!

Leigh

update

Dear Leigh,

I was going to text you to let you know that I had posted over the weekend, but then we got some news that made at least part of my previous post obsolete. A testament to how uncertain the details of my next year were a few days ago.

As I mentioned in my previous note, J was accepted to WVU but hadn't heard about funding. Well, he's heard now, and we're headed to Morgantown in a couple of months. The next big adventure. I'm excited but, at the same time, worried that I won't find my place there. I'm so used to Blacksburg now! Adjusting to a new town can't be that hard... and my family will, at least, be a bit closer (some of them). My parents will be a mere 3 hours away, my grandmother 2, and my friend Laura 8 (instead of the 10 1/2 she is now).

Now I need a job, and a good one, because now I will need to be the breadwinner while J is the struggling graduate student. I've applied to over 15 jobs already, but I know it usually takes at least twice that number of applications before you get a nibble. Not sure the jobs are even out there, but I will make myself annoying to the places that ARE hiring.

Anyway, that's the update. Still read my previous letter, since it responds to yours.

Love,

Kate

Adventure

Dear Leigh,

I'm sorry your adventures have been foiled. If that camping trip doesn't take shape, you should take matters into your own hands and just DO something. Maybe the Captain will come along if he knows you're going no matter what.

Personally, I'm adventured out. Our wedding was just about perfect. I wish your family could have made it, but I'm happier knowing that your Dad didn't put himself through extra stress by traveling so far and that you were together as a family when you needed to be.

Back to the wedding, though... It reawakened whatever piety I possess and confirmed my belief that if you act as though something will go right, it will go right (and if it doesn't, at least you won't be so stressed along the way). There were many opportunities for the day to fall apart (in minor ways), yet it never did. Our B&B was disappointing for how much it cost, but we didn't really care. In fact, we'll probably go back again, just for sentimentality's sake. The water smelled like eggs, the floors were freezing, Jeremiah got champagne all over the kitchen, breakfast was kind of gross, and there was a compost bin under the sink...but it all is dear to me.

Our "honeymoon"...well, if I could take a mulligan, I would. I should've known Jeremiah wouldn't really take to cruising (though he loved dinners) and that going places I'd already been would lead to disappointment. They're not quite so magical when you're older and used to being in charge of how you get where you want to go. We had fun, nonetheless, and Jeremiah still wants to travel (thank goodness)...just to less tourist-centered places, perhaps. He mentioned an alaskan cruise...

So that brings me to the adventures of everyday life, which are many. We currently do not know for sure where we'll be next year (we might find out tomorrow), do not know whether I'll be able to find employment this summer, whether we'll be able to go to the beach... Jeremiah got into WVU's MFA program, but they haven't guaranteed him funding. They also haven't denied it. He's supposed to find out tomorrow where he is on the list of those being considered for funding...

I've applied for nearly 15 jobs already, and have investigated several more. My goal is 4 per week. I can get on the sub list for Floyd county schools but have yet to find opportunities in West Virginia... Our lease runs out July 1st, and I don't know if we'll be moving the week before or sooner or what. If we move, we'll need a new place to live, but I can't line that up when I don't know which town to look in... If we're moving to Morgantown I might just collect unemployment until I find a job there rather than begging someone to hire me for two months around here. I'll be able to pack up our stuff, at least.

Annnnd I defend on May 5th, graduate May 8th...

I'm ready for it all to be settled, and I'm frustrated that the schools I've applied to teach at haven't called me back. People HERE think I'm special...my capstone project has been nominated for a Chermside Award and I've been asked to read at graduation...but to other places I'm just another boring resume. I've called to follow-up on applications and the people who answer act as though I'm doing something completely inappropriate by calling with questions...

Every now and then I think "man, wouldn't it be nice if I could just move back home while I look for a job somewhere...eat my parents' food, live rent-free..." But I know I wouldn't be happy with that. Also, I've taken the adult step of marrying Jeremiah, so wherever I go he goes, and I would not take him to live with my parents. We should be able to make it on our own.

My philosophy right now is the same one I had approaching our wedding: believe it'll all work out. It keeps me from losing my mind. Can't wait until this particular bit of adventure is over, though...

On a completely different note: tomorrow is April 16th, and I have no idea what to do with myself. It's kind of disturbing how little I feel, considering how much I felt then. To go to campus or to not go to campus? To recognize the day or to sit inside and play videogames all afternoon? I've found a balance, I think...I'm heading to campus in the morning and leaving as soon as the insensitive younger folks make me angry enough. Then I'm having lunch with a friend of mine, who is the last remaining person here (apart from Andrew) who was actually with me on that day. Weirdly, I didn't know Jeremiah at all, yet... That's what I've been thinking of most, tonight: how much the landscape of my life has changed since then. That and how much I wish the underclassmen would disappear tomorrow so that we who were here can wander our campus in peace.

Anyway, I'll close for now. I could go on and on.

Love,

Kate

Time

Dear Kate,

It’s been a while. And of course, it is on my side. I am terrible at keeping up our posts. Even my own postings have been neglected for over a year. I was visiting my old site the other day, reminiscing and balking at the elapsed time. Not only between my own personal writing, but also the time between our correspondence.

Much has happened in that time; for you most mentionable. A thousand Congratulations for you and J. I am anxious to hear how you are enjoying life as the lady of the apartment, and how J has adapted to your routines. I want to hear a tale or two of wedding day moments and cruise memories. I find myself jealous at times for the thought of your great adventure.

I am in need of an adventure just now. Since our last posting, I have missed THREE chances at vacation. Once, over Christmas, Capt and I were supposed to go to Jackson, MS to visit with his family. Christmas’s in Jackson are so simple and fun. His dad plays the guitar while his mom orchestrates silly games for gifts of candy bars and $5 bills. The two nephews are there, two fun and wonderful boys. The youngest and I tend to get into mischief …teasing the Capt. or playing cards or plotting silly pranks. Fun times.

Then of course, when mom and dad were down for the month of January, I felt as if the whole month just melted away. There was not much time for going out and playing or bike riding because of dad’s strength. Plus, his trip to the hospital kept us from coming to your wedding. I am thankful for your grace in the matter. I had though of just going on my own, but luckily I didn’t, as dad would have been admitted while I was away. Funny how things work out sometimes.

Finally, I was supposed to see Eric Clapton in New Orleans. My birthday tradition, and only real wish, is to spend a day in the Big Easy. It’s just such an amazing place of art, music, culture, and FOOD!!! Plus, you throw in a couple of tickets to one of the greatest guitarists (in my humble opinion) and WOW! What a trip. Yet, the Thursday before departure, I found myself with the worst kind of stomach bug that did not ease until Sunday.

I feel so cheated.

I don’t look for much in adventure. A simple day trip here or there, or an overnight in a different setting is all I ask to tide me over until a mega, week long excursion gets placed in the books. An escape from reality is a wonderful thing. I have been looking to the Capt for that adventure, but for some reason, we are lacking in our communication skills. I feel him placing too much a priority on his work to make a simple get away. I would have thought we had occasional free days from work. Yet, currently, we are just at odds. We both need a trip. I know I told you I’d be planning a trip up to Virginia. I have plotted several trips that direction, complete with a side stay in Savannah to visit Capt’s friends. But again, we are just at odds. One minute he is on board with travel, the next finds him unwilling to take the time away from his job.

He has suggested a camping trip for the end of this month. He claims to be in need of a vacation. I have been in need of an adventure for much longer. So, I plan to sit tight and wait. If he does not follow through with this trip, or for another reason I get cheated (gosh, sounds like the world revolves around me!)… anyway, if this trip fall through the giant cracks in life, I will be taking this journeying life by the horns and road trip away by my self.

So perhaps you should expect to see me in July!

Paix ma cousine,

Leigh