One year out

Dear Leigh,

It's odd.  When I first started reading your post, I thought that you were talking about mine and Jeremiah's two-month, which was last Friday.  I thought, "How does she know?  I didn't think I mentioned it," but then as I read on I realized...you're referring to the 16th.  It's a little embarrassing to me that it's not absolutely at the forefront of my mind.  At the front, no doubt, but not the very front...

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4/16 

Dear Leigh, 

So far I've spent the day doing what you mentioned.  I've been remembering, but also cherishing the relationships I have and, in particular, the new relationship I have with J.  We went to campus for a bit to retrace our steps, walk where we walked a year ago, and listen to President Steger talk.  It's been somber, but not in a crippling way.  I relived last year for a bit and got my catharsis in, then we went downtown to get coffee and talk about mundane things, plans for the future, etc.  It's been nice to just take a day to do whatever I need...whether it's walking around campus and placing myself directly in the center of my memory of what happened last year or walking a couple miles around downtown and back to my apartment.

I've even gotten a chance to talk to my mom a little bit, though my parents are across the Atlantic and unable to call.  She's adapted to instant messaging for a few weeks (their cruise ship has an internet cafe).  Not a horrible day.  By no means happy, but thoughtful and not lonely or desperate in any way...

Except one.  The speeches on the drillfield made me tear up, of course, and I've felt an inexplicable fatigue and weight walking around campus and back to the apartment, but what affected me most (in a negative way) was getting on facebook and seeing my brother's status, which read "heading to blacksburg for the night."

...

Could've mentioned something to me about it.  But he didn't...and I'm trying not to feel resentful, just like I tried not to feel resentful last year when he didn't answer my texts and only called me the morning of the 18th to ask if I or one of my friends would do an interview.  At 8:30 in the morning.  And just like I tried not to feel resentful after getting no response to my "happy birthday" message a couple days ago, and no message about his birthday present (which I know aren't supposed to be given with the expectation of thanks, but still).  I'm focusing on loving all of the relationships I have, and in doing so I find something meaningful in each until I start thinking about my brother, and then I wonder why...I can't build anything there, make any headway, feel at all like he cares that I'm his sister (except in the most minimal sense).

Maybe there's something I'm not seeing.  Thoughts?

Sincerely,

Kate