Anniversaries

Dear Kate,

It’s interesting how an anniversary can affect our structure of life. When we begin new relationships, it is the gag cutesy little “it’s our one week anniversary…our six month…” ect. But that one year mark is always a celebration, regardless of dating or marital status. It’s the blissful, “we made it this far, we must really love each other, let’s celebrate with dinner and dancing” kind of moment.

But the one year anniversary’s of the devastating kind…there is no thought of getting dressed up to go party. At most, it may facilitate a want of donning a pair of jeans and an old hoodie, finding the local hole in the wall, and drinking away pain associated with the memory. We all have those dates. Sometimes the dates are personal, like the anniversary of my brother’s death. I still don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. Then there are the grander scale tragedies, like you and the survivors at Virginia Tech. I cannot imagine that numb feeling you must be having thinking of the date, realizing you should commemorate in some way, but how?

You (hypothetically speaking, not you personally) may think, “Should we celebrate life?” No, that somehow does not seem quite fair. “Should we continue to mourn those who have suffered?” No, those dwellings of pain can be unhealthy. We have to move on, step forward. Find that comfortable balance between joy and grief. The balance of melancholy bliss leading us introspectively into the ideas of the surrounding world. We open our eyes towards both the present and the “great” beyond, whose existence we love to question.

While I was still living in Panama City, I used to spend Matt’s anniversary at the cemetery. I started a tradition which I’ve had to modify since moving away. I used to go to the grave site and sit on the little bench mom and dad had placed there. I would light two cigarettes, place one by the marker, and smoke the other. I don’t know why my memories of my brother smoking felt cool, but I smoked to be like him. Over time, the trend has changed. I no longer sit at the site on the first of August, I no longer “smoke” with my brother. And sadly, sometimes I feel worse for not practicing those rituals. It is like I am forgetting my brother’s importance in my life.
But I’m not. I’m just growing. And I think perhaps I will find a new tradition this coming August, to honor my brother’s life, and to mourn his passing.

What does this have to do with you? I hope you hear me advising you to find that comfort zone where you can celebrate the lives of those around you at Tech while still mourning those who have gone on. I hope you hear me saying that this commemoration is something YOU must create. We can send ourselves into an unhealthy territory when we get so wrapped up in what the media elects to put on display before our eyes and ears. I worry about the misconstrued perspectives we gain when we allow others to mediate our own emotions.

Cousine, do what feels right for you. Find your own tradition where you can comfortably mourn the losses that happened so close to you, yet still thanking whomever you choose to thank that there are those around still to continue pushing forward in life, accomplishing goals and setting standards for which future generations can aspire.