Dear Kate
I am extremely frustrated. I wrote recently about the joy in my life and how it can completely deter inspiration for writing. It feels now, in a sense, kind of a joke because here I sit, upset and frustrated, feeling almost hypocritical to my own thoughts posted just days ago.
I returned from a great respite trip to the mountains. The Smokie’s which surround Ashville have such an intoxicating, contagious tranquility, soothing my anxious spirit. I returned home to an amazing embrace from a wonderful man; home to tails wagging so ferociously that butt’s were hardly able to contain the unbound joy of a “herd” welcoming me home. Smiles radiated from all direction. I never felt so good coming home.
Then, a few days pass…barely. I feel I’ve been home much longer than the few actual days. Last night I was awake, feeling wretched, sleep not willing to join me on the couch, instead misery keeping company. It sucked.
Imagine the face of a child, pure in elation over the extravagant mud pie he lovingly made for his mother, only to have that joy obliterated because mom cannot see past the mud stains on clean trousers? This is certainly hypothetical, but really, that is how I feel suddenly. Like here I am, full of joy from my return, only to have the reality of life smite me like a judge criticizing a piece one has worked hard preparing and performing.
The kids continue their ugly gossip and rumor spreading. When they speak of other youth, their words are poison, their nonchalant attitude breaking my heart. And some still rumble about my new relationship…I ran into a kid while the doc and I were grocery shopping, and have now been told by the “boss” to be “discreet” with my relationship. Um. Since when was grocery shopping a sign that I am living a life of “sin”? That’s it I suppose, no more public outings. Then of course, there is the marine. It kills me the anger in his spirit. Yet I am certainly not strong enough to stay away from him. I hurt for his hurt.
I guess am that sensitive.
Why must there be so much pain, sadness, anger, hostility, vengeance and misery in the world? Then the news opens with reports of China and Burma. It kills me, it really does. Cuz, last night I sat on my couch at two in the morning with tears rolling down my face. I believe it hurts more when your spirit wants to shine out joy, but the world, both close at hand, and oceans away, insists on smudging out that glow with gloom.
It really kills me.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
One year out
Dear Leigh,
It's odd. When I first started reading your post, I thought that you were talking about mine and Jeremiah's two-month, which was last Friday. I thought, "How does she know? I didn't think I mentioned it," but then as I read on I realized...you're referring to the 16th. It's a little embarrassing to me that it's not absolutely at the forefront of my mind. At the front, no doubt, but not the very front...
-----------------
4/16
Dear Leigh,
So far I've spent the day doing what you mentioned. I've been remembering, but also cherishing the relationships I have and, in particular, the new relationship I have with J. We went to campus for a bit to retrace our steps, walk where we walked a year ago, and listen to President Steger talk. It's been somber, but not in a crippling way. I relived last year for a bit and got my catharsis in, then we went downtown to get coffee and talk about mundane things, plans for the future, etc. It's been nice to just take a day to do whatever I need...whether it's walking around campus and placing myself directly in the center of my memory of what happened last year or walking a couple miles around downtown and back to my apartment.
I've even gotten a chance to talk to my mom a little bit, though my parents are across the Atlantic and unable to call. She's adapted to instant messaging for a few weeks (their cruise ship has an internet cafe). Not a horrible day. By no means happy, but thoughtful and not lonely or desperate in any way...
Except one. The speeches on the drillfield made me tear up, of course, and I've felt an inexplicable fatigue and weight walking around campus and back to the apartment, but what affected me most (in a negative way) was getting on facebook and seeing my brother's status, which read "heading to blacksburg for the night."
...
Could've mentioned something to me about it. But he didn't...and I'm trying not to feel resentful, just like I tried not to feel resentful last year when he didn't answer my texts and only called me the morning of the 18th to ask if I or one of my friends would do an interview. At 8:30 in the morning. And just like I tried not to feel resentful after getting no response to my "happy birthday" message a couple days ago, and no message about his birthday present (which I know aren't supposed to be given with the expectation of thanks, but still). I'm focusing on loving all of the relationships I have, and in doing so I find something meaningful in each until I start thinking about my brother, and then I wonder why...I can't build anything there, make any headway, feel at all like he cares that I'm his sister (except in the most minimal sense).
Maybe there's something I'm not seeing. Thoughts?
Sincerely,
Kate
Anniversaries
Dear Kate,
It’s interesting how an anniversary can affect our structure of life. When we begin new relationships, it is the gag cutesy little “it’s our one week anniversary…our six month…” ect. But that one year mark is always a celebration, regardless of dating or marital status. It’s the blissful, “we made it this far, we must really love each other, let’s celebrate with dinner and dancing” kind of moment.
But the one year anniversary’s of the devastating kind…there is no thought of getting dressed up to go party. At most, it may facilitate a want of donning a pair of jeans and an old hoodie, finding the local hole in the wall, and drinking away pain associated with the memory. We all have those dates. Sometimes the dates are personal, like the anniversary of my brother’s death. I still don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. Then there are the grander scale tragedies, like you and the survivors at Virginia Tech. I cannot imagine that numb feeling you must be having thinking of the date, realizing you should commemorate in some way, but how?
You (hypothetically speaking, not you personally) may think, “Should we celebrate life?” No, that somehow does not seem quite fair. “Should we continue to mourn those who have suffered?” No, those dwellings of pain can be unhealthy. We have to move on, step forward. Find that comfortable balance between joy and grief. The balance of melancholy bliss leading us introspectively into the ideas of the surrounding world. We open our eyes towards both the present and the “great” beyond, whose existence we love to question.
While I was still living in Panama City, I used to spend Matt’s anniversary at the cemetery. I started a tradition which I’ve had to modify since moving away. I used to go to the grave site and sit on the little bench mom and dad had placed there. I would light two cigarettes, place one by the marker, and smoke the other. I don’t know why my memories of my brother smoking felt cool, but I smoked to be like him. Over time, the trend has changed. I no longer sit at the site on the first of August, I no longer “smoke” with my brother. And sadly, sometimes I feel worse for not practicing those rituals. It is like I am forgetting my brother’s importance in my life.
But I’m not. I’m just growing. And I think perhaps I will find a new tradition this coming August, to honor my brother’s life, and to mourn his passing.
What does this have to do with you? I hope you hear me advising you to find that comfort zone where you can celebrate the lives of those around you at Tech while still mourning those who have gone on. I hope you hear me saying that this commemoration is something YOU must create. We can send ourselves into an unhealthy territory when we get so wrapped up in what the media elects to put on display before our eyes and ears. I worry about the misconstrued perspectives we gain when we allow others to mediate our own emotions.
Cousine, do what feels right for you. Find your own tradition where you can comfortably mourn the losses that happened so close to you, yet still thanking whomever you choose to thank that there are those around still to continue pushing forward in life, accomplishing goals and setting standards for which future generations can aspire.
It’s interesting how an anniversary can affect our structure of life. When we begin new relationships, it is the gag cutesy little “it’s our one week anniversary…our six month…” ect. But that one year mark is always a celebration, regardless of dating or marital status. It’s the blissful, “we made it this far, we must really love each other, let’s celebrate with dinner and dancing” kind of moment.
But the one year anniversary’s of the devastating kind…there is no thought of getting dressed up to go party. At most, it may facilitate a want of donning a pair of jeans and an old hoodie, finding the local hole in the wall, and drinking away pain associated with the memory. We all have those dates. Sometimes the dates are personal, like the anniversary of my brother’s death. I still don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. Then there are the grander scale tragedies, like you and the survivors at Virginia Tech. I cannot imagine that numb feeling you must be having thinking of the date, realizing you should commemorate in some way, but how?
You (hypothetically speaking, not you personally) may think, “Should we celebrate life?” No, that somehow does not seem quite fair. “Should we continue to mourn those who have suffered?” No, those dwellings of pain can be unhealthy. We have to move on, step forward. Find that comfortable balance between joy and grief. The balance of melancholy bliss leading us introspectively into the ideas of the surrounding world. We open our eyes towards both the present and the “great” beyond, whose existence we love to question.
While I was still living in Panama City, I used to spend Matt’s anniversary at the cemetery. I started a tradition which I’ve had to modify since moving away. I used to go to the grave site and sit on the little bench mom and dad had placed there. I would light two cigarettes, place one by the marker, and smoke the other. I don’t know why my memories of my brother smoking felt cool, but I smoked to be like him. Over time, the trend has changed. I no longer sit at the site on the first of August, I no longer “smoke” with my brother. And sadly, sometimes I feel worse for not practicing those rituals. It is like I am forgetting my brother’s importance in my life.
But I’m not. I’m just growing. And I think perhaps I will find a new tradition this coming August, to honor my brother’s life, and to mourn his passing.
What does this have to do with you? I hope you hear me advising you to find that comfort zone where you can celebrate the lives of those around you at Tech while still mourning those who have gone on. I hope you hear me saying that this commemoration is something YOU must create. We can send ourselves into an unhealthy territory when we get so wrapped up in what the media elects to put on display before our eyes and ears. I worry about the misconstrued perspectives we gain when we allow others to mediate our own emotions.
Cousine, do what feels right for you. Find your own tradition where you can comfortably mourn the losses that happened so close to you, yet still thanking whomever you choose to thank that there are those around still to continue pushing forward in life, accomplishing goals and setting standards for which future generations can aspire.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Life in this bubble
Dear Leigh,
Crazy.
I live in a bubble, so I hadn't heard of VT's plan to offer families and victims money. The idea is highly disturbing to me, because it suggests that a) both parties feel that money can somehow make the grief less or that b) the school is being blamed for what was a lamentable tragedy but not really the sole fault of any one person or institution.
It's especially bothersome considering the one year mark is coming up in a few weeks and, I feel, one of the last things we should be doing is placing/accepting blame or thinking that somehow reparations or deep and labyrinthine investigation will erase the basic grief.
The whole idea makes me a little squeamish. I can't say for sure, of course, but if I were in your place the offer Stew made would make me feel very strange, almost as though I'd benefit if he were lost in the line of duty. The money would inevitably be stained, and I wouldn't be able to keep it. Charity would be the only way to go.
I know that what Tech is offering is partly to help with medical bills and so forth, but something about it still doesn't feel quite right. It would seem similarly stained; the thought of putting a number on exactly how much the loss of a loved one is worth is repulsive.
Going back to the whole Kate-lives-in-a-bubble thing: I worry about the media this year. Articles and issues relating to the 16th have, I gather, been fairly consistent over the past year and experienced a spike after the Southern Illinois incident, so I expect a similar village of news vans to be camped out by our alumni center this year. I fear them more now, though, because I've had time to wonder and realize that I have almost no idea how I'm going to react to it all. Last year we sat numbly watching the news for hours, switching from program to program hoping there'd be more information (but what more could we really know?), then finally turning on something completely unrelated. It wasn't real enough yet, for me, to react strongly in a conscious way. This time...I don't know.
Part of me wants them to leave us alone (what business is it of anyone else's anyway?), and part of me wants them here so that I can feel as much as possible what it was like last time. Very strange. And mom and dad will be so far away...
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Blood Money
Dear Kate,
Yesterday on NPR I heard about Virginia Tech proposing to offer victims of last year’s horrific events $100,000 so as not to sue the school. I was not at first sure if what I heard was correct, as the information floored me terribly. When I got to work, I looked up the New York Times website to confirm the information. And sure enough, there it was: Virginia Tech Seeks to Avoid Lawsuits. I was instantly reminded of the time Stew once told me that, in the event he would be called to serve in Iraq, and should anything (deathly) happen to him while he was serving, I would be compensated $250,000 as aid in my grief. The idea sickened me. I’m sorry, but science is not yet advanced enough to return life to a loved one for any sum of cash. I was, and am still, really bothered by this offer.
Now, in the defense of the military, I understand that they are trying to help in some form or fashion for the horrific loss of our beloved due to their "heroic duty." But I really still feel almost insulted that a governmental branch can buy off my remorse. "In their defense" ... the money, as I was told by Stew, was to help pay for funeral arrangements and other expenses. (Though a quarter of a million makes for an awfully extravagant funeral.)
Similarly, the news yesterday made note that the money offered would be to help with medical and counseling costs for those grieving loved ones lost at Virginia Tech . I suppose I can begin to respect and understand this attempt at generosity. But to tell me I am going to be offered this sum to prevent my legal actions against the armed forces or educational institute just seems ludicrous. I don’t get it. Maybe I overreact.
As you know, Stew and I are no longer maritally involved. However, prior to his deployment last August, he informed me that he had still wanted to leave a portion of his blood money to me in the event of his demise.
My response: I would have to return it all to support the many wounded vets, as they need and deserve that money more than I.
Kate, I don't understand our world sometimes. I feel like it revolves too much over money rather than feelings. Riches equaling happiness? I cannot say that is a beat with which I can fall into step. Cousine, we live in a time of economic hardship. We live in a time of war. We live in a time of senseless killings both in our own country as well as regions halfway around the world.
We also live in a time where someone else must take the blame for any transgressions we must suffer. And sadly, we live in a time where we can bribe others to point fingers in different directions.
Finally, it makes me sad to hear of atrocious amounts of cash being offered to those so they will keep quiet and continue living their lives as if nothing has happened - especially when there are so many suffering, and we insist on turning blind eyes toward them.
It is like placing salt on a wound wanting to heal.
Paix, ma cousine,
Leigh
Yesterday on NPR I heard about Virginia Tech proposing to offer victims of last year’s horrific events $100,000 so as not to sue the school. I was not at first sure if what I heard was correct, as the information floored me terribly. When I got to work, I looked up the New York Times website to confirm the information. And sure enough, there it was: Virginia Tech Seeks to Avoid Lawsuits. I was instantly reminded of the time Stew once told me that, in the event he would be called to serve in Iraq, and should anything (deathly) happen to him while he was serving, I would be compensated $250,000 as aid in my grief. The idea sickened me. I’m sorry, but science is not yet advanced enough to return life to a loved one for any sum of cash. I was, and am still, really bothered by this offer.
Now, in the defense of the military, I understand that they are trying to help in some form or fashion for the horrific loss of our beloved due to their "heroic duty." But I really still feel almost insulted that a governmental branch can buy off my remorse. "In their defense" ... the money, as I was told by Stew, was to help pay for funeral arrangements and other expenses. (Though a quarter of a million makes for an awfully extravagant funeral.)
Similarly, the news yesterday made note that the money offered would be to help with medical and counseling costs for those grieving loved ones lost at Virginia Tech . I suppose I can begin to respect and understand this attempt at generosity. But to tell me I am going to be offered this sum to prevent my legal actions against the armed forces or educational institute just seems ludicrous. I don’t get it. Maybe I overreact.
As you know, Stew and I are no longer maritally involved. However, prior to his deployment last August, he informed me that he had still wanted to leave a portion of his blood money to me in the event of his demise.
My response: I would have to return it all to support the many wounded vets, as they need and deserve that money more than I.
Kate, I don't understand our world sometimes. I feel like it revolves too much over money rather than feelings. Riches equaling happiness? I cannot say that is a beat with which I can fall into step. Cousine, we live in a time of economic hardship. We live in a time of war. We live in a time of senseless killings both in our own country as well as regions halfway around the world.
We also live in a time where someone else must take the blame for any transgressions we must suffer. And sadly, we live in a time where we can bribe others to point fingers in different directions.
Finally, it makes me sad to hear of atrocious amounts of cash being offered to those so they will keep quiet and continue living their lives as if nothing has happened - especially when there are so many suffering, and we insist on turning blind eyes toward them.
It is like placing salt on a wound wanting to heal.
Paix, ma cousine,
Leigh
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