I think too much sometimes

Dear Leigh,

I'm experiencing this strange sort of guilt in the midst of my post-beach pre-work ennui.

As you may or may not be aware, this past Sunday was father's day, and I did about as much as I usually do for my dad, which is to say I gave him a hug and awkwardly told him how much I enjoyed spending time with him this year.  Following this slightly uncomfortable exchange (you know those hugs where you're not sure where to put your arms?), I began analyzing the relationship I have with my dad, and came to some interesting conclusions.

Eight hours in the car (I know you had much longer!) gave me time to figure out why I feel so strange saying happy father's day to my dad, particularly this year.  It's because, though we are similar in so many ways, we are different in ways so fundamental that it makes it difficult for either of us to really talk.  What worries me might worry him, but his way of trying to make me feel better usually makes me even more stressed.   What interests him is...almost everything, but though our interests overlap in several areas, his intensity makes me feel inadequate and unable to connect because of how seriously he takes his hobbies.

So where does the guilt come in, you ask.  The guilt comes from the fact that I've introduced somebody into our lives who has interests in common with both me and my dad, and that this somebody (J) is much better at sharing music and art etc with me than my dad ever was, though he tried year after year after year.  Where I was stubborn and borderline brattish with my dad, I'm relatively patient and...I don't want to say yielding, but I'm going to...yielding with J.  I feel guilty that I'm allowing myself to share with J what I half-heartedly tried to share with my dad, and I feel guilty that it took until now for me to gladly and willingly cooperate with my dad in the area of music, that it took until now for me to listen.  

I just hope that Dad doesn't feel in some way that he's failed, or in any way annoyed that it took somebody else to ameliorate the tension I used to feel in attempting to be how my dad wanted me to be.  The way I look at it is that J facilitates my relationship with my Dad, and that that's a good thing.  I don't want Dad to resent it, that's all.

Does that make sense?  I don't even know.

Love,

Kate

P.S.- I was glad to hear you made it safely back to Florida...I imagine it was an uncomfortable trip with such a large crowd in your car.