Disappointment

Dear Kate,

I chose not to call my dad on father’s day. Not until late evening. Feelings of guilt hit home following two text messages from my dad and a phone call from each parent. I finally called, gave cordial father’s day blessings, then went on my way.

The fact is, I still feel terribly battered from my week. And I do not yet see remedy in sight. I do not feel like a pushing 30 around the family, rather, I feel reduced to an inexperienced teenager. And it still pains me to the point of belligerent cursing to think and realize and experience the way my father puts my brother on such a *&#$*% silver platter. J commented that perhaps my dad expects “more” from me?! What more can I offer? I thought I was relatively successful. Happy, strong, educated. Yet, that one particular evening, I am being yelled at by both parents to “go to bed, this is not the party house, you have until 10:30.” (dost I hear tones of a curfew??!!??) Enter…Michael and the song runs over a key change: “You guys can hang out, just keep it quiet.” The little shit.

I don’t understand why my behavior (drinking?) is suddenly an issue. I do not drink to the level of both my brother AND my dad. I am somehow always caught with a beverage in hand, yet often it is the same beverage I was "caught" holding the hour before...I am a slow drinker (ask John, he joked me about it!!). Yet, I recall the "boy Welch who can do no wrong" being idiotically drunk, sitting in the driveway in a dazed stupor Wednesday night - big sister literally dragging him to bed and forcing water down his throat. Then there was my own dad’s embarrassingly boisterous behavior during dinner the following evening. And while I proudly wear the "Family Drunk" hat, still my guitar gently weeps. I felt, and still feel, like such a failure.

Then there is the doc: an impulsive light weight, who has been through much trauma in his life. He is on medication. Unfortunately, he chose not to take his medication during the week…and I suffered for his anxiety prone, obsessive compulsive, manic behavior. I killed me to see the looks and snickers occurring behind his back. It killed me to see the loss of respect in my parent’s eyes.

I feel stifled by my family; in a complete place of chaos with the doc; in a heavy strain of loss. Perhaps I expect too much from my family. Surely my own unit of four can do nothing better than fight and bicker and turn backs. I do not feel the bonds of support and encouragement. And it is not all because of the doc. It is in conjunction with my cooking, with my writing, with my music…not all great, but rather than supported, it is waved off like a seven year old's stick figure doodle.

Enough.

To your letter: you and J have a very special relationship, much different that your relationship with your dad. Your dad is proud of you. You know it very well. I don’t believe for one minute that he is hurt or offended that it took J to widen your eyes to the amazing array of joys and talents you share with your family. The fact is, you already knew of the hobbies and talents shared within your family circle (thanks to the COMBINED efforts of your parents). Often it does take an outside force to help expand and strengthen that interest. It also makes those joys more unique to you and J. Do you think for one minute that grandpa and grandma were disappointed with your mother for not following exactly to their likes? Rather, combined with your dad, those joys and interests were expanded and crafted to the new little family unit your mom was creating.

So there you are. You dad is amazing. You are amazing. You have an amazing partner. Together you can discover music and art in new and exciting ways you may have never known if left to your own devices.
I hope this helps, though somehow I don't feel like I adequately answered your letter.

Peace,
Leigh

PS
The car ride home was surprisingly comfortable. I was able to sleep most the way….it really is amazing the amount of room in that car. I was content in the back, with my herd of children, lost in thought over the revelations and disappointments of the week.

I envy what you have with your family. I suppose the grass is always greener...