Winter is coming, isn't it?

Dear Leigh,

Thanks for writing back. I'm doing much, much better now--it took me about a month, I'd say, to feel like my old self again. I talked to a counselor, in the end, and that was actually the point at which I felt better. It was nice to talk to someone who had absolutely no expectations of me, and whose own emotional state I wasn't worried about. She helped me realize that I was still feeling so low because I felt, sometimes, as though other people had moved on very quickly and could act like it had all never happened, which was certainly not how it was for me. Somehow, pinpointing what was bothering me helped it not bother me anymore. I'm still a little embarrassed, however, about how excited we were when we (unbeknownst to us) had nothing to be excited about.

In the wake of all of that, I decided to become a Certified Associate Project Manager (CAPM)--been studying for the exam for a couple months, now, and plan to take it this November, and I'm also going to try to apply to some MLIS programs, though doing that AND the CAPM in the same Fall might be too much for me. We'll see. So, I'm studying, rehearsing with a couple of quartets for a concert in October, and working... It seems that I don't sink into long-term depression too easily, but instead have renewed energy, once I snap out of it.

It does sound as though you could use a change, though a move up here would come with its own difficulties.  Still, there's much to be said for living close to extended family.  We feel rather isolated here in West Virginia, sometimes, and so are looking at moving back to Virginia, as well. I would love to be near my parents, and be able to join them when they meet Aunt Brenda, Uncle Michael, Aunt Mary Ann, Uncle Mike, and Derek for lunch.  My brother, too, might be facing a move to Richmond due to work, so we'd all be clustered within a few hours' drive of each other.

If you can get to Virginia in December, I might (and hope I would) be able to get there, too.  I, like your mother, would worry about you on the WV roads in winter.  The winters here are worse than in VA, and have kept us from traveling many a time. A couple inches of snow can make the highways through the mountains treacherous, regardless of the direction from which you are coming.   Of course, if the weather is clear and you are in the mood for a visit, I'd be excited to see you. We have a guest room, now, with a real guest bed, so you wouldn't be relegated to an air mattress on the floor, and the bakery downstairs has delicious coffee and scones (and pizza, too, and bread, and biscotti... it's amazing we're not fat yet).

I hope you're not too bothered by your mother's teasing.  You're young, active, educated (even more educated, officially, soon), and in the enviable position of not being too tied to one area--you could go pretty much anywhere you want! There's no end of possibilities.

Should get back to work (I'm staying late, so I don't feel too bad about using down time to write to you).

Love,
Kate

It's been too long - forgive me.

Hey Kate.

It's been a while.  I know, I've been a neglectful cousin.   You wrote me in July bearing your soul, and I continued on my daily routine unsure of how or what to respond.  Even when the news was offered, by Derek actually, I vowed to call, to send a card, to plot a visit.  But nothing.  I can't imagine that feeling of hosting life only to lose it.  

I could offer the age old canned sympathies "It'll get better, keep your head up..."  blah, blah, blah

Or the medical frankness: "It's ok, first time pregnancies are often..." blah, blah, blah. 

I may even go the enlightened path: "Well, maybe now is not the right karmic time..."  blah, blah, blah.

After experiencing way too much loss in my life, my best advice:  It sucks, I know - trust me.  Different loss, but loss all the same.  Normalcy?  Ha, what's that?  Whatever it was for me before this devastation will never be the same again.  So now another whole new adjustment.  Transitioning to a new routine, a new sense of normalcy, a new definition of the way life should be. 

And yet the changes never stop coming.

For people of our genes who like a bit of routine in order to have that bit of order, the realities of life seem unfair.  Like a cruel joke at best.  But... I refuse to be laughed at.  I wouldn't be who I am today if I gave in to life's little pranks.  So, here's my real advice:

Donate your cloth diapers.  Keep knitting your blanket...it will be used one day.  Keep your mind open and fresh to those names.  Just because this little heartbeat didn't make it to term will never mean you were not meant to be a mother.  One circumstance does not make a whole.   Whenever the time is right for you and Jeremiah to parent children, in whatever shape, manner or form...it will be right.   The path in that direction may not be easiest - you may suffer another miscarriage - God forbid - but your determination to be a mother will win through.  Just keep your mind WIDE open to the multitude of possibilities, as well as patient for accepting the right time. 

Take it from the 33 year old whose mother recently referred to as her  "spinster daughter."  

I was not amused to her tease.

The future will happen soon enough.  I love you bunches and miss the dickens out of you.  (The dickens, now what the heck does that mean??)   Speaking of future:  In December I'm plotting a venture to Virginia to get the hell out of dodge.  I graduate the 15th, an plan to celebrate with those I hold most dear.  I told mom I wanted to go to West Virginia, but she did not trust my driving capabilities on WV winter roads...  But, none the less, one reason for my venture is to scope the area with the plot to relocate.  I love Florida, but I'm ready to be closer to family...I love my mother and my brother, but it's odd sometimes how I feel more connected to family when around you guys up yonder.  I feel alone down here.  And it has gotten worse over the past year; after I moved out to the island and all my friends are at least 30 minutes away.  I've come to realize it's time for a change.  I want to be near my roots.  I want to have the ability to take a weekend trip to see my cousin to watch "Cloud Atlas" in theaters (I'm re-reading the book in anticipation).  I want to watch football, have a beer, simply spend a weekend with my cousins, my family.  So, now you and Derek are the only two with the know of my evil plots and plans....  :)

Anywho.  I hope this helps some.  I know the feelings of loneliness /  being alone, without being a complete depressive...  perhaps both our futures will hold a more acceptable convenience for visitation and  consolation.  Better, even, than words written on a page.

My love to you cousin,

I hope this finds you in healthier spirits...It better anyway, it's been many a month!!!

Peace and Love,

Leigh

PS...in your honor (sort of...)

My co-worker is from West Virginia.  We watch WVU football almost every weekend it is televised down here.  But I warned her that when V. Tech plays WVU, my loyalties go with the Hokies.  I may need that shirt after all!

Empty Sac

Dear Leigh,

I don't know if my parents have told "the family," as I've asked, but I will tell you now: we lost the baby.  I went in for a routine appointment three weeks ago, and they couldn't find the heartbeat, so they did an ultrasound.  It showed an "empty gestational sac."  The heartbeat and the tiny embryo that had been there a few weeks earlier were gone.  I was devastated then, but felt as though I recovered quickly. Jeremiah, too, had some bad days, and then seemed okay.  But then I actually miscarried, this past Wednesday, which involved much of the same as labor--contractions, dilation, excruciating pain.  Since then, I have felt totally empty, in every way. It's gone... completely gone... confirmed by yet another scan.  Jeremiah, who did not have to go through the physical ordeal (which has left me exhausted and sore all over), is fine, emotionally, and doing a good job of being sympathetic and supportive.  Still, though, I feel quite alone.  I worry that that was our only chance at parenthood--that we'll never again be on the same page, since Jeremiah now wants to "figure out where we're going next" (after Morgantown), and I want to have X amount in the bank (this will be, no doubt, an expensive miscarriage, what with the ER visit and multiple ultrasounds).  I fear we'll find reason after reason not to try again, until it's too late.

It's not a good time to be thinking about it, regardless, but I can't help it.  Every cell of my body wants back what we lost.  Not only were we going to be parents; we were closer, we established a routine that kept the house together and kept us eating healthy, we were in love again like we'd just started dating.  All of that has evaporated, except the love, which has morphed into something deeper, but less joyful.

I don't know what to do with myself now.  I'd been making cloth diapers every weekend, and knitting a blanket, and making lists of names at every opportunity...

Just feeling empty, and a little lost, and a little alone.

Sorry to be such a downer... I hope you're doing well.

Love,
Kate

Ice Cream for Dinner

Dear Leigh,

I kept putting off writing to you until I "have more energy," but I realized that could leave you waiting for quite a while, so I figured I'd write a quick post tonight.

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed in our beach week--not in the company (except for missing Derek), or in the location, but in myself.  It seemed as though I napped my way through, and had little to nothing to say.  Life is very predictable, and I'm enjoying it, but it doesn't leave me with stories.  I guess I did go to England for a week, but somehow it didn't cross my mind to bring that up (til now).

Of course, I'm napping my way through evenings and weekends back in West Virginia, too, and frustrating Jeremiah because I can't bring myself to eat broccoli but I have no problem eating ice cream or baby back ribs. It tears at his health-food-loving soul.  Hopefully broccoli will taste good again in a few weeks.

It's difficult to believe I'm pregnant, after the year I had.  I'm glad I left my old gynecologist, because it seems that everything they told me was wrong.  Of course, we thought they might be right, and thus thought it would take a smidgen longer to get me knocked up... but a few months won't really make a difference.  Jeremiah will have a more interesting final semester than he bargained for--that's all.  And I got my big trip to England with my girlfriends in, before I couldn't justify spending that kind of money on something frivolous.  I do wish they were going to be around for my pregnancy, though.  All of my closest friends live at least 5 hours away, and the one good friend I've made here is freaked out by pregnant people and hates babies, and so refers to this whole thing as the "countdown to the end of our friendship."  She's only 20 percent joking.

Anyway, I did finish that book--"Never Let Me Go."  I had hoped for some sort of change in the circumstances of the main character, but she's awfully complacent about being bred to provide organs for uncloned people.  Apart from her and Tom's attempt to have a few years together because they're in love, that is, but even that smacked of complacency.  A few years?  Why not a lifetime?

I'm about to start reading "Out Stealing Horses."I admit, I chose it because I liked the title.

I hope you're doing well.

Love,
Kate

I think all I can write are doozies....

Dear Kate,

Wow. Here it is, 15 September, and I just went into our blog to discover a letter!! A few late, and I apologize for that. Unlike you, who gets the joy of sitting in front of a computer all day, I tend to shy away from my computer. Lately, it has become a box of homework assignments and emails I do not really like to read. Though it is no excuse for not keeping up, it is mine for now. I have a hard time looking on facebook or my email, even the school website, because I know there is something there needing some attention. I suppose I have to be in a right state of mind to open the computer these days and make it, and the assignments and correspondents the object of my attention.

So, to make brief updates: the fridge did not disappear as I had hoped on that particular day I wrote. Instead, I received a phone call from Washington state of all places, informing me that because of the tropical mess we had passing through, they were unable to pick up the fridge. But a new date was set, and I moved the beast to the living room in wait, and sure enough, the new appointment held fast and the fridge is gone...and I danced a jig to celebrate. In addition, I am still waiting on the approval of my proposal. It ties my stomach in knots not knowing, but a conversation with Diane has lit a bit of hope, so here I sit, still officially unemployed, but still hopeful.

My new semester has started, and it is a bit of a doozy. I met with an old friend the other night who commented that I had a new look upon my face. I claimed that I felt my head was in a cloud. He commented that the new “technology” term for the cloud was knowledge...a cloud of knowledge. I responded in this case, my head was swirling around in a thunder storm. It’s good stuff, but keeps my mind occupied.

I’m planning with all my might to make the beach next summer. Mom and I have talked about it numerous times. We’re thinking of renting a small condo for the two of us, as we are not sure if Mike and his Kate will be joining us. What I can say for this future excitement, is that when I get to be in the company of my “family” again, I will be on the backwards slide towards graduation. These next two semesters will be heavy with information, but by next summer, I will be interning again, and the course load is null and void. Basically seminar classes to discuss our experiences and plans as Social Work Counselors. So it will be a grand time. I sure hope you and J will be there, I look forward daily to that week.

I laughed out loud a few days (weeks?) back when Derek turned 25, and am flabbergasted to think of us all as grown ups now. I am glad to think that though we were not in close physical proximity, I still feel in a way that we have all grown up together. Family has taken on so many new meanings for me lately. With the rise and quick fall of potential relationships (which there have been VERY few), I still and comforted to know that, as Mike and I have always said, Family First. I am grateful for the closeness of our clan. And in saying that, I am confident that- going back to the adoption thought - if any of us ever adopted a child into the family, the Welch clan would accept that child as if he/she were biological. No questions asked. I know on the Ray side we have many children, but I know for me, that prospect is out of the question. So I am confident that, one day, when I am able to afford and be stable enough for a child, that child I open my home to will be as welcome as any other born to this family. I can’t express how awesome that makes me feel, and how proud I am to be a Welch.

As is my habit, I tend to ramble. I re-read my last letter and realized what a bucket load it was. But in my defense, there was much to say to catch up on our words gone astray for over a year! ha I am happy you are rediscovering your love for your music. My instruments are gathering dust these days, so perhaps you inspire me as well to tune that lovely dulcimer. Maybe tomorrow....

Take care cuz. And I’ll do better at checking our Ab Epistulis.

Love,

Roberta

PS....I loved your paragraph about the kid thing...It was a great look into your thoughts, free flowing in the letter. And no matter where the child comes from, it will always be your child. So be Narcissistic...it’s ok once and a while!

Phew!

Dear Roberta,

Goodness! I am surprised you had a moment to write! I'm sorry that your job was "tailored out" (that's what we say at work), but the work you're doing with the organization for women and children is wonderful, and certainly needed. It seems like it will lead right into the kind of work you really would like to do, as well... So, good for humanity, and good for your career.

My parents are away in London right now (they don't like to mention their trips on Facebook, so you might not have heard about it). They're off on a two-week Baltic cruise in a few days, after they hang out in London for a bit. Every time they go on a trip, I worry, and I realize just how much my parents mean to me. They are my best friends and champions, and I feel like it took me far too long to really appreciate them, quirks and all. Losing one or both would leave me mute, somehow, because I tell them pretty much everything. Though I imagine a significant other would have been a great comfort to you this year, I'm glad you and your mom are talking and hanging out so much.

When my health/cat/job issues all coincided, I lost a lot of my optimism (I discovered, after meeting J's mother, that I'm an optimist), but I still felt that all of that stress had to be balanced by something good happening soon. The job security is good, and has brought back a lot of my optimism...

As far as kids go, I'm all mixed up, which I think is how people usually are. I was in a lot of pain, for a while, because of what my doctor has diagnosed as endometriosis, and when I told J that infertility was often a result of it, he said, "Well, then, we'll adopt, and those kids will be our family, and we'll never look back." Not that we were actually thinking of kids now... We agree with you, and intend to have whatever education we want out of the way before we move on to the "family" stage. Yet, when you're 25 (holy crap, when did that happen??? I typed 23 without realizing it was wrong, for a minute), you just assume that, whenever you want one, you can choose to have a baby. So, a doctor and the internet telling me that might not be true was quite a shock... as was my gut reaction, which was "Well, then, I don't want any at all, and I'd better figure out a fantastically successful career." See, I'd always thought that I wouldn't care if I couldn't have a biological kid... I guess I'm more of a narcissist than I thought.

I'm not sure where I was going with that. It's just what's been on my mind.

In the past few months, I have discovered that I truly love violin. I've been playing quite a lot, and teaching J how to play. I like to feel that I'm good at something, and (when nobody is watching), I'm very good at violin. I wish I could give lessons... but I was too much of a coward to study music in undergrad. Music students had to give solo recitals, you see...

Bart is, according to my father-in-law, settling in well to his new home. It's amazing how much you miss animals when they're gone... Every time I go to water my indoor plants, I miss that silly cat, because he always used to come running, hop up on the plant table, and try to drink the water from my pitcher (even though he had a motorized fountain with a filter). Someone offered me ANOTHER cat the other day, and I explained that I felt it would be a betrayal to Bartholomew to get a different cat when we couldn't even keep our first cat with us... They probably would have preferred a simple "No, thanks."

I'll sign off, for now. I have trouble sitting at computer screens for long, anymore, since all I do is stare at a screen all week. You inspire me to try to make my life useful... must start brainstorming this week.

Love,

Kate

Time IS on Our Side

Dear Kate,

Dear Girl! It sounds like you yourself have been through hell and again, though it has been over a year since we have formally written. I know we corresponded since, but planes, trains and funerals I don’t think count. Life is transitional, and we have both transitioned quite a bit it seems since our last letter.

I am currently sitting here at my computer, high on wine and mold fumes from an old fridge that the folks at Gulf Power have agreed to take away tomorrow. In brief, I got a “new” fridge from an old friend here in town, and my old fridge has sat as a looming back drop to my dining room since July. I found out that rather than calling my local garbage disposal company and paying them to take the fridge away, at my own labor of getting the darn thing out to the street, I called the local power company who will come into my house and remove the beast AND pay me $35 so they can recycle the parts. I love friends who suffer the same consequences as myself, and can offer insight of how to best proceed with the removal of the darn thing. So tomorrow, excitement ensues as that fridge will finally be removed from my house with me the better of the deal.

Such is the kindness of well timing and networking through friends.

So Life. I “lost” my job at the church in early August. They, while I was on a trip with the kids, decided they needed a “Full Time” person to work with the youth. And I, stuck in a predicament working in Mobile, AL for an internship, and enrolled in school, was not what they envisioned. I think it dealt more with an undesired environment to work with me. I gave them a good 5 years of my time, and three months of a crazy work schedule was the fuel they needed to be gone with my personal position. Not to mention the days I took to deal with my family and dad’s departure of this world.

A note on that: life has been a whirlwind of depression, grief, and all other fragments in relation to that event. Mike, my brother, had his gal Kate present through all the dealings, and the life following. Me, on the other hand, have grown closer to mom with daily conversations, and a new dealing with progression without my dad physically there telling me of his pride and support of my education. I know I had written before of my frustrations of his enabling Mike in his hopscotch actions, but in his last months, he really was my Dad. And I miss hearing his voice, though through these tough times, I have heard him in my head saying “Just do the best we can,” and I try daily to do just that.

So Life: it’s been tough. But I can say today that things are finally looking up. I don’t have my job to hold me back. I miss it like crazy. But I do have the time now to do what I want to do, in my involvement in Breast Cancer Awareness (I’m knitting a bunch of Pink Scarves to raise money) to my involvement in GSSWO - Graduate Student Social Work Organization - volunteering my time as “secretary” to get the organization off it’s feet. Today, also, I submitted a formal proposal to my internship place of employment - Sybil Smith Family Village (more later) to promote my employment as a part time, temporary Child Advocate. Things finally are looking up.

A quick note about Sybil Smith -

It’s a transitional housing facility for women with histories of drug abuse or domestic violence in Mobile. It’s a place where women can regain their feet and have better futures for themselves and their children. Their children is where I come in. My classmate, and good friend, Mary, works there as the case manager for the women. She is the one who got me the paid internship for the summer. Now, they, the Village mothers, and the very small staff, miss my influence and impact on the kids. I told the director, Diane, that I could not afford the daily commute to Mobile (1 hr 13 min). But yesterday, I went in to talk to Diane about upping the notch with my kids. Basically, I offered to come in twice a week. Mondays to work group and fellowship sessions and Thursdays to work individual sessions. Today, I sent her a formal proposal which she will take to the “Big Boss” for approval. Basically, I (and Diane) are asking that the Exec. approve me for working the two days for about the same amount pay I received during my daily internship. Things are looking good for that.

So, in a nut shell: I have taken my student loans, the prospect of this job, and the numerous hours of volunteer I can now provide for the various organizations, and have made a living. It is meager at best, but I am thankful for the transition to the Social Work Counseling door this whole mess has opened for me. My fingers are crossed now that this will all work out for the future of my education and life.

Yes, Grad School gives purpose. And for me now, my purpose has been two fold: getting my education and credentials, all while allowing me to stay in my little home, and care for the only family I have close at hand: the two dogs and one cat.

So, enough about me...I’m sorry to hear about Bart, but know he’s in a happy home. I have considered the same path for ol’ itchy and stinky Smokie. But I am glad to hear of J. rediscovering his passion, and the two of you rekindling a flame you obviously have had for each other. As far as children are concerned, I understand the frustration of not being able to bear your own (as I am quickly aging out of that circuit), but I cannot stress the alternative enough that there are many, many children needing homes, and I hope you will never rule out the option of adoption or even fostering. But wait... You are still young enough to make the decision in a wise and well supported place in life. I have a classmate, who is actually a year or so younger than you, stressed about the child process. And I have given him the same advice I offer you: wait until J. (for him, himself) is a graduate, so children are not a distraction from the goal with which he (and J) are currently pursuing.

When you find yourself settled, the right decision will come. You are young...don’t let friends pregnancies influence your mind. The right time will come when you decide what best to do when children are concerned. And know, that no matter what, though we may be only cousins, I will still and always demand the Auntie status!

Much Love, and glad for our Correspondence,

Roberta