I have bad case of Shingles. What does this mean? It means I am $200 poorer from anti-viral medication. It means I am missing a week from work on sick leave. It means I am fatigued and have severe pain on my left shoulder. I feel as if I have cracked my collar bone, as if I have pulled a major supporting muscle on my left shoulder. It has progressed into my hairline along the back of my neck. I feel as if I have paid an untrained acupuncturist to poke around my neck muscles to sooth the pain of an uppercut jab to my left jaw bone. The number one cause for Shingles: Stress. Onset date for this “rash”: Tuesday following beach week.
Before I go further, let me emphasize that I love my family very much. I do not blame beach week stresses on my current condition. My family means the world to me. And yes, like you, I do wish I lived closer, or in older times when families lived “a carriage-ride away.” A friend once said that family should always be close at hand, but far enough away that you would have to put on a hat to visit. I wish my family were close enough for that Sunday afternoon visit, where the kids would all gather at the folk’s house for Sunday lunch or dinner. But, like you and I and our other cousins, aunts and uncles, my family is spread thin. To this day, I do not even know where my brother is resting his head, and I am fine not knowing.
I did not even say good bye to my brother when leaving beach week. His little attitude and weenie fit on our last day was the straw that broke this camel’s back. He put my whole family in “dancing on eggshells” patrol. He had made a big deal about wanting to do something unified on our last day, yet gave only snips and snaps when we tried to get an answer from him regarding what activity sparked his interest. He eventually locked himself in his room refusing to answer to anyone, calling us all stupid because he was supposedly only wanting to watch a movie! The end result was him blaming me for ruining the vacation because I had some “I’m not putting up with your bullshit” words thrown his direction.
I know I do not have to tell you about the huge dividing line in my family, with my dad and brother on one side, and my mom and I on the other. It is a major struggle for my mom, who tries to juggle her nurture towards me, my dad, and Mike. She sees the way dad greatly favors Mike, and I see the way it pains her to have her little family so divided. That is why, regardless the situation, there is undue amounts of stress in my nook of the family. Sometimes I blame distance on our family tension. Sometimes I blame my little brother for his refusal to settle (he KNOWS what he needs to do, but blatantly REFUSES). Sometimes I blame my dad for enabling (he buys the boy out of so many debts for crying out loud). Sometimes I blame my mom for trying to make peace when peace cannot be made. Sometimes I blame the death of my older brother. But most of all, I blame the distance. It is hard to be 12 hours away from my folks. I suppose since I have been this far for over ten years, I no longer realize that my annual family visits seem only to need the digits of one hand to count.
Distance is a struggle, especially in my relationship with my dad. But my mom and I communicate. We talk like old friends often throughout the week. When we do get to visit face to face, that time is not wasted on “catching-up” but rather relishing in continued conversation, in person. We have a wonderful time: playing cribbage, sitting in the yard, drinking wine, laughing, grumbling, confessing, talking. During beach week, when Mike hid himself away in his own private pity party, my mom and I decided to embrace the remainder of the day and venture to the lighthouse. Just the two of us…it was a wonderful time of bonding. It was a moment that reinforced the fact that we really do enjoy each others company.
Yet with my dad, we seem more on a mission to pass simple pleasantries, then move along in our own private worlds.
How do I cope? I mourn silently when I see my family go its different directions. But I resolve to keep in contact, especially with my mom, so when we are reunited we can continue where we left off without the need to “catch-up.” Family dynamics are hard, especially in today’s world where relatives are spread so thin. But thankfully with our technologies (a mixed blessing for sure) connections can be easily made and sustained.
Give it time. This hurdle you jump is temporary. You will find your niche in life and will work your family relationship into that nook. You have your mind set even now to instill this familial connection upon your “children,” the idea alone will spark the reality. Do not over look tomorrow’s blessings by burying yourself in yesterday’s regrets. Use life’s experiences and “wish I had’s” to spark growth. And play the patience card. I have been for quite sometime. When I stop and look back, I see the distances I have crossed and am happy where I stand...even if I have a few speckles to suffer every now and again. It does take time; you are young enough to take advantage of that time.
Hope this was more helpful rather than another installment of Leigh’s Soap-Box…
Namaste, ma cousine,
Leigh
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