This is a long one.
I'm feeling pretty uninspired, at the moment, but at the same time hopeful. Could be the weather--very gray. On the one hand, I'm upset because I just had to leave my cat with my parents for a couple of months due to the edict of J's roommate, who cannot stand messes of any kind, even if they are a tiny dot of poo that an excited feline left on the carpet after leaving the litterbox slightly prematurely...
I'm also frustrated that I cannot know precisely what is going to happen in the next six months or the next year and a half. I'm only contracted for 9 months at a time, which leaves me lost for the three months of summer. In addition, J is feeling that he doesn't like nor does he fit into the academic world (can't blame him; I'm starting to hate it), so he might not go to grad school for his mfa. Which is fine with me, actually, except that I don't want to be in Blacksburg after I graduate, and if he doesn't get an assistantship somewhere I don't know where else we'll go. I believe I've exhausted this town.
On the other hand, I'm excited about the apartment J and I leased for next year (nice and quirky with 60s appliances and wood floors), I'm excited about finally getting to teach my own classes, and I'm excited about what I've come up with for my thesis. Also, the possibilities opened up if J doesn't go to grad school make me a little giddy. His point is that he's continually putting off living the way he wants to by saying "well, first I have to do ____." So, why not just be brave and live the way we want to? He's already got a bit of land that his granddad will give to him, and if we both get salaried jobs--even if they're just at sandwich shops--we could get a nice enough loan to create a home.
I guess that's really what I feel like I'm missing right now. A home. My belongings are split between two places, my cat is with my parents because I have to accommodate three different roommates (two of which will be newlyweds in a week and a day and already drive me nuts with all the wedding blah blah blah). Thoreau says at the beginning (ish) of Walden, "At a certain season of our life we are accustomed to consider every spot as the possible site of a house," and when I read that for the first time a week ago I almost went "YES!" aloud. I see every bit of land as a possible place that could be MINE, where I can have my cat and have my boyfriend and choose my own furniture and my own temperature and keep things clean and nice-smelling, where I can arrange my books attractively on my thrift-store shelves and put the mirror my Aunt made me above my little white desk to create a vanity, where I can keep my bathroom stuff IN THE BATHROOM and put the cat's litterbox somewhere away from where I hang out...*takes deep breath*...and where I can practice my violin without worrying about any roommate but J, who would probably play along with me, where I can have a corner for my easel and a corner for my comfy reading chair, where I can have my dishes without having to dig them out from under hundreds of my roommate's dishes, and where I can keep the table clear enough to have tea at in the afternoon when I get home from campus.
Mostly, I can handle not being in control. I'll admit that I'm generally a passive person. When it comes to my space (or, next year, my classroom), however, I must have it my way, or I'll be unhappy. I love your little house because it's so yours. It suits the life you lead--what would you do with more rooms? Why have cable if you're not into watching the crappy shows that are on it? (By the way, I'm considering living without cable next year, not only to save money but to keep myself from shows like "Real Housewives of Atlanta"). J just barely understands my discomfort, and my roommate doesn't understand it at all.
My mom, on the other hand, understands perfectly just like she understands that I'm accommodating to a fault. She's watched me nest my entire life--I used to bring photos of my family and my cat on trips and tape them up around wherever I slept. Now, my only options of places to stay are: 1) an apartment overrun by my roommate's and her fiance's stuff where I feel uncomfortable watching the tv since it--and all the furniture--isn't mine and the couple is way more into their shows than I am, or 2) an apartment where I don't pay rent but where I'm allowed to nest and keep my clothes and books and pictures in J's room, where (until now) I could hang out with our cat, but where I feel guilty cooking or showering or existing and where there's a roommate so finicky about cleanliness that he cracked a window (it was 20 degrees outside) and left a cup of ammonia on the stove after J and I made popcorn the other day.
I'm so frustrated! I need a place to call home.
I can tie this into our discussion of technology, as well: just as each person (generally) has a physical space in which they feel comfortable and which needs to be respected, each person has a technological space in which they are comfortable and which needs to be respected. I plan on extending mine to my classroom, since I consider that my space. Once the students are out of my space, they can text while browsing the internet and listening to clangy music on their iDoEverythingButBrushYourTeeth[ThoughThat'sInDevelopment].
I apologize for being so long-winded. Repression isn't good for me, but I've had to become good at it to keep the various roommates happy. 2 months til freedom!
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